Nearly four months have gone by since my last post and there are many updates to share.  I feel guilty that I post most frequently when we are challenged with disappointment.  Fortunately, this time I have blessings to report.

We weren't dealt a crappy card in March as it had seemed.  In fact after four blood draws, my HCG levels finally did what they were supposed to do and shot through the roof!  We were pregnant!  After a full year (almost to the day) of trying for Baby #2 we were finally successful.  There was a baby to be had and we were counting our blessings.  I have to admit though, at nearly 23 weeks pregnant, I am still holding my breath.  At this point we have had nearly a dozen ultrasounds, the first tri-mester screening, the integrated risk assessment, and the anatomy scan, all looks perfectly on course for us and Baby Boy Kennedy....or Baby G as I like to call him.  That's right, it's a boy, and the G is the first initial of his first name (at least this month it is)!  I like to say that I knew it immediately and never wavered on the sex but John needed confirmation from not one, but two doctors before he believed it.

We are on course for a November 2 scheduled c-section with Dr. Lima (I hope).  Baby G is an active little man and has made certain that this pregnancy is no walk in the park...but I refuse to complain at the risk of sounding ungrateful.  Generally I feel good...and that's all you really need to know.

Miss Maggie is thrilled to death at the prospect of being a "big, huge, sister".  She rubs my belly, talks to him, hugs him, etc...I can only hope that when he finally arrives that she is just as excited.

Until then...I will try to do better at keeping you updated.  Thanks for reading...

Maggie's Mama and now Baby G's too!

Can't sleep

It's 3:03am and I am going on two hours of being wide awake trying to wrap my head around what has become of our life.  I have searched the internet for two hours now looking for answers and have found none.  My best guess is that I have an ectopic pregnancy.  My worst guess is that there is no answer.

The call came around 2:30pm...my numbers had increased, but just barely...more bloodwork in three days and then we'll know more, I think...perhaps not.  I found with my miscarriage in March 2011 that the blood draws every few days were torturous.  If the doctors know that this is not a viable pregnancy, why must I be subjected to that reminder every few days.  Just let it be.  Just let me be.

With each unsuccessful round I find myself more and more angry and this time in particular I find myself wondering how this can possibly be part of God's plan for us.  Haven't we been through enough?  How can God's plan provide children to those who can't care for them, who abuse them, who don't love them, who don't treasure them? It makes me feel like I am not doing something right with Maggie.  Like maybe God's watching over us and doesn't like what He sees.

I feel inadequate, defective, faulty...I feel beaten, changed, and defeated...but mostly I am just plain sad at the idea that when John and I are gone, Maggie will be all alone...and that thought is more than I can bear.  And even worse is the idea that something could happen to her and then we will be alone. 

I don't know where to go from here.  John says he's done.  He's tired of planning our lives around doctor's visits and injections.  I'm tired of the endless waiting for more disappointing news.  I know that the last year has taken a toll on our relationship with each other, with our family and with our friends.  That also makes me sad.  I feel like a patient...a pin cushion...a research project.  I don't know what our life would be like to just live it as a family of three.  Maybe we should try it...maybe we'll like it.

In the meantime, we wait...

More waiting...

Well, at 12:32pm on 3/2/2012 the call came from Dr. Seli's office...it was Marie on the phone...one of our faves and her news was good.  I was pregnant and my hcg level came in at a whopping 227. 

We were excited, but cautious since we know too well how life can change in an instant.  We told a few people...our parents and a couple of people at work and then decided to wait until blood draw #2 to really wrap our heads around it. 

Blood draw #2 happened on 3/4/2012 and once again it was news we weren't prepared for.  My levels rose to 342 but they were supposed to double, and they didn't.  What does that mean?  Does it mean another miscarriage?  Does it mean something is wrong?  Does it mean that we're okay...after all they did raise?  What does it mean?

So today we will find out...so here I am waiting...again and hoping that my numbers increase...that I am one of the 15% of women whose numbers don't double every 48 hours...hoping that everything will be o-kay...hoping that grief and despair are not in our future for the third time in twelve months.

The fear is palpable.  I truly do not know how I will cope with yet another disappointment.  The very idea of it makes me regret opening ourselves up to it yet again.  The logical part of me know what we will be okay.  We have no choice but to be okay.  But I think it would be easier if they had told me 4 days ago that it didn't work instead of suffering yet another miscarriage.  I feel ill.  I feel nervous, anxious, sad, regretful, fearful, confused, bitter all at this very moment.

Why won't my damn phone ring?  Did I give them the wrong number?  Are they consulting over my results and that's why they haven't called?  There has to be a reason.

I must sound totally crazy right now...and the truth is, I feel a little crazy.  I cannot fathom the idea of them calling with good news.  But maybe, just maybe they will.  But, maybe not.  And because that is very much a possiblity, I will prepare myself as best I can for the worst.

T Minus 24 hours

Tomorrow is the day...it's the day the 2WW comes to an end...the day when we find out if our family is expanding...the day we could be filled with joy or devastated for the third time in 12 months.  Tomorrow is the day I am waiting for and dreading all at the same time.

I felt really prepared until last night.  I felt calm, cool, and collected, like I would be okay no matter what the outcome and then last night it all came crashing down around me.  I know deep down that I will be okay no matter what the outcome but it doesn't mean that I won't be temporarily devastated if it doesn't work...again.  I struggle more and more with how this can be part of some larger plan for us.  How can this be part of God's plan?  How can God's plan offer children to people who can't care for them and don't want to care for them?  That is what I don't understand...and I am not sure I ever will.

I feel vulnerable...and when I was trying to explain how I felt to John last night I was at a loss for words.  Tomorrow will be like ripping open March 24, 2011, September 23, 2011 and December 1, 2011.  Those wounds that I think have healed but probably haven't could be opened up tomorrow and we may face yet another disappointment.

And worse yet...we will have to face the fact that we have one more shot...and then we're done.  We have to be...this can't be my life forever.  It just can't be.

2WW

And here we are...at the dreaded, never-ending two week wait.  It feels as though March 2 will never come...and when it does the hours between that fateful blood draw and that life changing phone call will surely seem like an eternity.

Each round of IVF has felt very different and this one is no exception.  We're optimistic because what we asked for (a fresh cycle) what what happened.  But we were faced with a decision this time around that was new and foreign to us.  For the first time in three rounds we opted not to freeze any embryos and that has challenged me personally, morally, ethically, spiritually, mentally...well, you get it. 

Yesterday during the transfer there was a lot happening in the room.  There were two doctors, the embryologist and a nurse.  The embryologist is verifying your identity with that of the embryos...you're reciting your name and birthdate...you're trying to maintain some semblance of modesty in front of an audience...you're making life changing decisions like "are we transferring one or two?"  It's like an out of body experience. 

Yesterday as Marquea (one of our faves) was distracting me with questions about Maggie, I overheard Dr. Seli tell the embryologist that we were going to "throw out" the two embryos that weren't being transferred.  I know that's not what he meant.  I know that he's Turkish...and a scientist...and clinical...but that cheapened our decision...and I cried.  I have labored over that decision and have reminded myself that until the embryo makes a home inside of me, it's not really a baby...but knowing that our perfect little girl started out just like the two embryos that we "threw out" was unnerving and just plain sad.

And so we wait...and we wrestle with our decisions.

I agonize over every single thing I do.  Could lifting a laundry basket change the outcome?  Can kneeling over the bathtub change the outcome?  What if I eat more salad?  Take more vitamins?  Drink less soda? Drink more water?  Love Maggie more?  Pray more?  Plead more?  Be more patient?  Be a better mom?  Do a better job at work?  Not buy new clothes that might not fit me in a few months?  Look at fewer pregnancy websites?  Think about it less?  Worry about it less? 

And I know that there's nothing I can do at this point except wait...what's done is done.  And so, for the next 11 days I will hope and trust that's what meant to be will be.  And know that if it's not the outcome we're hoping for we will be o-kay...we have to be o-kay for Maggie...and for each other.

Three years later...

Three years ago right now I was in the throes of IVF round #1.  Our attitudes toward the process were full of excitement because we knew no different.  Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.

Fast forward to today and we are starting IVF round #3.  Obviously that means that round #2 didn't work and true to form it was nothing short of dramatic.  You see, the last time I blogged, I was waiting for the call that would tell me if we were going to expand our family or not.  At 12:38pm on that day, the call came and on the phone were two of our favorite nurses...Jessica and Marie....who were both overflowing with excitement for us.  Our numbers had come back and were off the chart...a whopping 836.  Please keep in mind that with Maggie my first HCG levels came back at 22, so 836 was mindblowing.  They told us on the phone that they were very sure it was twins and that possibly one embryo had even split.  While Marie and Jess were celebrating, I was dying inside.  I flashbacked to March 2011 when after the first HCG my numbers came back high, we had the same celebration, and then I miscarried.  I refused to let myself feel that way again, so I remained cautious.

As always, I was instructed to make the drive to that non-descript building in New Haven two days later for more bloodwork.  Once December 1 I followed my instructions, worrying of course that the numbers might double which would only solidify the idea of multiples or worse yet the number might decrease which would mean another miscarriage.

Never in a million years could I have prepared myself for what happened next.

A little after 1pm that afternoon a nurse called...I think her name was Linda.  As soon as I heard her voice I knew something was not right.  She asked if I could come back in that afternoon for some follow up bloodwork because they thought that the machine had not been calibrated accurately.  I asked if my number had dropped.  She said yes.  I asked what it dropped to.  Reluctantly she told me zero.  Having been through a miscarriage I knew that you don't go from pregnant at 836 to 0 in 48 hours.  Something was wrong.

I raced to New Haven and when I walked in, you could cut the tension in the office with a knife.  I saw Joanie...a wonderful young nurse who admitted to me that noone else wanted to have to face me.  I asked what that meant.  She told me that they think there could have been a mistake on their part.  At the end of all of it, there was.  Two hours after blood draw #2 the nurse manager called to tell me that I was not, in fact, pregnant at all and never was. 

We were devastated, angry, confused, disappointed, etc...

For three years I had trusted this facility and on one of the most basic procedures they made a major mistake that left us emotionally raw.  Once again we were grieving.  Not at the loss of the pregnancy, but at the let down of a "friend" which was how we viewed the clinic.

We scheduled a follow up with Dr. Seli for the next day and he acknowledged that a mistake had been made and my blood had been swapped with another woman's blood and she was in fact pregnant and I was not.  He shared with us that this had never happened...although I don't know if that made me feel better or worse.  We talked about what kinds of changes could be implemented to prevent this from happening again.  We talked about our options.  We talked about whether or not we would want to find another clinic because the relationship had been so damaged.  We talked and talked and talked and I sobbed the entire time.

We agreed that we would get through the holidays before making any decisions and take some time to recover and enjoy Maggie.  And that is exactly what we did.

And so, it is now a new year and we are so very thankful to have put 2011 behind us.  And three years after our first (and only) successful round of IVF we are back for round #3. 

Stay tuned...say prayers...wish us luck...and believe.

This time is different...

This time feels so much different.  As I type this entry I sit waiting anxiously for the phone to ring.  The call that I am expecting is one that will tell me whether or not IVF/FET round #2 was a successful one.  You see, we have kept secret the fact that we entered this process for a second time.  And today is the day that I sit and wait for the call that will tell me if I am or am not pregnant.

As I wait for the phone to ring I feel an enormous sense of anxiety because after all, we know what could happen.  We know that we could find out today that we are pregnant and find out in a few days that I have had another miscarriage.  But, those are the risks that we were willing to take when we decided to try again.  In March as I waited for the call, I felt nothing but excitement about the prospect of becoming parents again.  Today, I am scared to death...mostly because I don't know how I will be able to contain the grief should it not work out.

I have also found myself much more bitter this time around.  I am enormously angry at people even my own friends and family members who are parents to children who aren't wanted or loved.  It makes our own circumstances that much more infuriating. I try to move through that anger but feel stuck in it. 

Thinking about the fear, anxiety, anger, uncertainty, and what-ifs make it almost regrettable that we have opened ourselves up like this once again.  But, then I try to remind myself of the possiblity of an expanded Kennedy family and that glimmer of hope makes the difference.

And so I wait...

November 27

November 27, 2011 is fast approaching and with it I feel this enormous sense of dread, anxiety and profound sadness.  I was sure in March when we got the results of our pregnancy test that we would be spending Thanksgiving in CT and celebrating the arrival of a new Kennedy baby/babies.  But nearly 8 months later we are making plans to go home and celebrate the holiday with our families.  And while I am excited at the prospect of visiting home and seeing family, I dread the idea of being surrounded by new bundles of joy...I am simply not sure I will be able to keep it together.

Last week four people I know had babies.  In the next few months a dozen more are due.  And while I am happy for these people I can't help but be sad at our own circumstances and November 27 will surely prove to be a difficult day.

Throughout the past few months I remind myself of the blessings we do have, the amazing little girl who is my daughter...but there are darker days when I am just plain angry that our path to parenthood hasn't been an easy one.

Throughout the course of 2011, the number 11 has been symbolic in many ways...the transfer was on the 11th of March, the preganancy test was 11 days later, my due date was the 11th month of the 11th year...and so on...

And so, as we approach the end of this year, I am looking forward to putting 11 behind us and seeing what 2012 has in store!  Who knows maybe 12 will bring some luck and blessings to the Kennedy family!

Margaret's Mama: 'A Perfect Family'

Margaret's Mama: 'A Perfect Family': "I came across an article on Newzjunky tonight that has left me wondering about the definition of 'a perfect family'. The article was about ..."

'A Perfect Family'

I came across an article on Newzjunky tonight that has left me wondering about the definition of 'a perfect family'.  The article was about a family from Kentucky who went through gender selection IVF in order to form their perfect family of 2 boys and 2 girls.  My immediate thought was, why the hell would she put herself through that.  This was followed by what doctor in the world thinks this is an acceptable form of treatment.  Finally I thought about the one daughter she does have and wondered what her daughter will think about her mother's extreme attempt at building what she defines as 'a perfect family'. 

While every person's definition of a perfect family is certainly different, I can only comment on my own.  My definition of a perfect family is much more than the number of children I have or their gender.  It's more than what we look like in photos.  My definition changes by the day.  There are days when I dream of more children and siblings for MMK.  There are days when my perfect family looks exactly the way it is right now...with John and Maggie sleeping peacefully upstairs.  At Thanksgiving my definition encompasses all of the Brown's.  So, while I try not to judge the decision of a perfect stranger in Kentucky who defines her perfect family as two boys and two girls, I have to believe that a perfect family is what you make of what you're given.  We've been given Maggie and for us that is pefection!

I don't want her to ever feel like she wasn't enough...

Well, nearly three months have passed since my last entry.  Some wounds have healed, some questions have been answered, and life plans have changed.  Since March 30 as a family we have come to grips with the reality that we may never be more than a family of three...that is if you don't count our four legged daughter.  In the early days after my miscarriage there was the urgent sense of we need to decide what to do.  Do we try again?  Do we try on our own?  Do we do IVF?  Can we do IVF?  What are the risks?  Do we want to start all over again?  Do we want to move on?  There were zillions of questions and at the end of it all we have come to terms with we need to do what feels right for us. 

We had a consultation in early April with Dr. Seli to discuss what had happened even though we knew there were no real answers.  For that matter we would never even know just how many we had for just a few brief days.  Speculation says three babies were on their way to us, so the mindset that I have is that three was more than we could handle and that is why we lost them.  In my mind it's the only way I can make sense of it.  During our consultation with Dr. Seli I sobbed and sobbed.  He was definitely taken by surprise by this, after all, I was only 5 weeks along.  But through the tears I tried to explain to him that because these embryos had been a part of our life since January 2009 the loss felt so much deeper.  We had endless conversations about them as we drove past the non-descript building on our way to Ikea.  We talked about names.  We talked to Maggie about them.  And, perhaps that was the wrong approach, but that was our approach.  And because we had one successful pregnancy it never in a million years entered my mind that the next one wouldn't have the same result.

During our consultation we asked lots of questions...how soon could we do IVF again if we chose to?  Could the cyst that almost cost us Maggie return?  Could I have another miscarriage?  What were our options if we didn't want to do IVF?  What were our options if we didn't want to freeze any embryos?  and on and on and on...

There were no real answers only a feeling inside that I didn't want to have my life consumed by doctors' appointments, fertility medications, crazy expensive health insurance, wonder, doubt, and fear.  We said when we started the process in 2008 that all we wanted was one health baby...and we had that.  So, before we were even out of the building, I looked at John and said...I'm done.  I don't want to do it again. 

I remember feeling like he was going to be disappointed but at the end of the day he has supported me and has accepted that we may only ever be a family of three.  Since that time there have been a handful of occasions where I have felt like maybe I want to try again, but more often than not I feel like my life is complete.

Throughout the course of our second round and then subsequent miscarriage I talked with my mom almost every day.  And in every conversation I tried to figure out what was right and would try to reason with the unreasonable.  And in the course of one of those conversations I said to my mom..."I don't want Maggie to feel like she wasn't enough."  And since then that has been my guiding light...and so I have made peace with our fate.  There are nights when I am sad...tonight is one of them...but we are so blessed to have the little girl that we have and I couldn't be happier to be Margaret's Mama.

Where do we go from here...

So, it's been a while since I last posted but the Kennedy family has been a little busy and life got in the way of my blog.  And while up to this point this blog has tracked our journey from start to finish, I have no choice tonight but to time travel to present day.

About six months ago, John and I made the decision to start the process once again and take our chances with the three embryos that we had left from Maggie's cycle in the hopes of offering her a sibling.  We knew that the process would take some time.  I am approaching my mid-30's and "our plan"...really "John's plan" has always been to have the kids out of the house by the time we are 55...so his clock was also ticking.  We went through all of the necessary steps to make this happen.  Open enrollment season arrived and we swallowed our pride and changed our insurance so that we would have the coverage we needed which does not come cheaply, I might add.  We scheduled an appointment with Dr. Seli.  We gave our wonderful daycare provider a heads up.  We began taking stock of our finances and figuring out how we could make it work with another member of the family.  We talked about whether we would need to cave and buy a minivan or better yet, a new house.  We looked at 2 baby strollers.  We did it all...we had made the decision and we were moving forward.

After our first consultation with Dr. Seli on November 1, 2010 he advised that we wait a few more months until Maggie turned 18 months old.  I had a c-section with her and he wanted to offer more time for my body to recover from that.  There were a couple of tests (no shock there) that I would have to go through before we could start the process and once I was in the clear there we could start the shots, pills, etc... in order to prepare my body for the frozen embryo transfer.

We counted days.  We predicted due dates.  We planned our summer around the prospect of a pregnancy and our excitement built and built and built.  And finally we received word that my body was ready and March 11, 2011 was the day...the transfer day.

We went to the clinic that morning knowing what to expect more or less.  After all, this was not our first rodeo.  We went into the procedure room and suddenly we were presented with the most amazing picture.  It was of the three Kennedy babies (from under a microscope of course).  And they didn't look like much more than a bundle of cells, but they were our cells, and for two years we had loved them like they were already our children. 

The embryologist, fellow, nurse, and Dr. Seli all commented on how remarkable these embryos were and how our chances for twins were extremely high given their quality...and so we began to prepare even more for the prospect of multiples.  Obviously we knew it was a chance...after all we were transferring three but we had always thought that was a long shot...but it didn't seem like such a long shot anymore.

The transfer was relatively uneventful with the exception of the remarkable picture and afterwards I went home and rested for the weekend.  And the waiting began.

Fortunately, because the three embryos were 5 day blastocysts my waiting period was only 11 days instead of the full 14 that I had experienced the first time around.

I filled those 11 days with as much as I could in the hopes that they would fly by and we would get the news we had waited so long for.  And finally, those 11 days came to a close and once again I drove to the clinic...this time with Maggie in tow for my 7:30am blood work that would tell me if we were going to have a baby or babies!  And then there was more waiting.

As I begin to write this, my fingers are suddenly freezing up.  I am not sure they know how to tell they next part of our story.  Perhaps it's still too fresh.  Perhaps I still don't understand it myself.  But I will march on and share it as best I can.

On March 22, 2011 at 12:02pm, while I was having lunch with my very good friend/work husband the call came....we were expecting!  My HCG levels had come back at a whopping 271 (an indication of multiples) and we could celebrate...and we did.

I immediately called John at work.  We told our bosses.  We told our parents and siblings.  I told a few people at work and a few close friends.  The clinic scheduled us to return for more bloodwork on the 24th and every other day after that and once my levels reached 2500 they would do an ultrasound to determine how many Kennedy babies were joining the world.

We talked about how we would announce it to the world and decided a big sister t-shirt for Maggie would be the approriate method and ordered it right away from cafe press.We were moving forward full steam ahead...all we needed to know was whether we would be a family of 4, 5 or 6!

On Thursday, March 24, I returned to the clinic for my bloodwork and mentally prepared myself for them to call with some astronomical number that was further evidence of multiples.  I won't sugarcoat it, I was already feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of more than one baby, but I knew that we could handle it...somehow.  That afternoon at about 2:00pm while I was standing in the athletic center setting up for a major event, the call came.  My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, what was it...what could the number be???  Immediately when I heard the nurse's voice I knew something was wrong.  My levels had dropped from 271 to 185...this was not a good sign.  I was devastated...paralyzed with fear, sadness, and disappointment.  Something was wrong.  The nurse reassured me that perhaps there had been more than one baby and that I had lost one but there was no reason to believe that the pregnancy had ended.  I had to go back in two more days.

I went back on Saturday...waited all day for the call...the call came.  The number had dropped again.  I was down to 88.  They scheduled me for another follow up on Monday.

Monday came...I waited all day...the call came.  The number was down to 22.  There was nothing left and I had had a miscarriage.  The three Kennedy babies that were conceived in January 2009 were gone.

And so we grieve and ask ourselves, where do we go from here?

Day 3...2 or 3???

Day 3 arrived...and once again we made the drive to New Haven to the non-descript building where the Yale Fertility Clinic is located.  We walked in...knowing that the outcome of this day could bring overwhelming joy or unbearable disappointment and all we could do was hope, pray, and believe that whatever would happened was meant to be.

Ironically I don't remember all of the specifics of the day.  It's all a little hazy to me with pieces that are so very vivid.  For instance, I remember laying in the transfer room and having the lab tech bring me a label with my vital information for comparison with that on the embryos.  I remember there being a small pass through window in the wall that separated the lab from the procedure room and thinking that on the other side of that wall is a room full of hope and life.  I remember Dr. Seli talking with us about the quality of the embryos and telling us that of the 12 that we started with, we still had 5 viable embryos.  I remember talking with Dr. Seli about whether to transfer 2 embryos or 3 and him recommending 2 since I was still young and had more time to have children.  And so, the decision was made.  We would transfer 2 embryos and freeze 3 for the future.

And with that, the procedure began.  I had been prescribed a valium to help me relax, but unfortunately I took it too late and was hardly relaxed during the transfer.  At one point Dr. Seli spoke very sternly to me and said "if you want this to work, you need to relax.".  I felt like I had been yelled at...but I know that it was for good reason.  And so, I tried my very hardest to relax my tender body that was sore and achy from the retrieval only 3 days earlier.  And in a matter of only minutes, the transfer was done, John was allowed to come in and Dr. Seli presented us with an ultrasound picture of where he had implanted the 2 little embryos that would hopefully make a home in my belly.

Now all we had to do was wait...and wait we did.

12!

So here we were...stuck in a holding pattern...impatiently waiting for a plan of action to de-cyst me!  Fortunately, it didn't take long to come up with that plan and within a few days we were scheduled to have it drained so that we can move forward.  The process of draining it really wasn't a big deal and the fact that it would mean that we could check that off the list made it even easier.  We were back on track with shots, shots, and more shots and 7:30am drives to New Haven as we prepared and monitored my body for the retrieval. 

As you go through the preparation you become very familiar with your doctors.  Once we were back on track we were driving to New Haven every other day or so for bloodwork and ultrasounds to see how many follicles had developed.  As I said earlier there is a fine line between having the right amount of eggs and too many and the ultrasounds help to figure that out.  Each visit to the doctor was followed by an afternoon phone call with further instructions.  Sometimes those instructions meant continuing with the shots and coming in for another ultrasound in a few days.  But, finally the call came that we were scheduled for the retrieval!  FINALLY!

So, on Sunday, January 18 we made the drive to Yale that would change our lives forever.  Out of that visit came 12 eggs!  12!  That's a great number!  We had every single reason in the world to count our blessings...and we did!  Now it was left to the doctor's to do their work in the lab and it was left to us to rest until day 3---the transfer day!

Those three days seemed like an eternity...and I'm not gonna' lie...I felt like crap!  The retrieval process is not an easy one.  I developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and made an already uncomfortable body even more so.  It also made me fearful of what day 3 would be like.  This was supposed to be a joyful process and I was feeling terrible.  But once again, it was one more obstacle that we had to overcome if we wanted to have a baby.  We were willing to do just about anything...and we did. 

Here we go...

So, the decision was made.  We were going to take the leap and start the process of IVF.  Dr. Seli and Dr. Martin all but guaranteed me that I could get pregnant through IVF so we were pretty optimistic at the start of the process.  While we made the decision in October 2008 we didn't actually start the process until January 2009...damn holidays!  But, on January 2, 2009 we made the drive at 7:30am to the Yale Fertility Clinic for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. 

The 7:30am drive had become quite familiar to me as I had done it probably 30 times prior to this day.  But, this day felt different.  Maybe it was because it was the new year...but I don't think so.  I think deep inside I knew that this was the start of something life-changing.  The 7:30am appointments had become routine at this point.  I went into the clinic, checked in, got my number, went around the corner and waited to be called...along with up to a dozen other women...depending on the day.  I remember always looking at the other women wondering where they were in their journey...for all I knew some of them could have been pregnant already and were having their levels checked (as is customary for the first trimester when you do fertility treatment).  Finally my number was called and I went in to see Sandra who is a miracle worker with a blood draw. 

After dozens of blood draws, my veins, which stunk to begin with were on their last legs.  But Sandra somehow always managed to get what she needed and this day was no exception.  From the blood draw I went into one of 6 ultrasound rooms and waited for my turn.  It was usually a fellow who did the ultrasounds...either Dr. Bromer or Dr. Martin.  I always hoped for Dr. Martin...he is an extraordinary physician.  Today, though I saw Dr.---I can't remember her name.  She was a 1st year fellow...but that didn't matter to me...all I wanted to hear was that everything looked fine and that we could move forward with the process.  Unfortunately, this was not the news I received.  Looking back, maybe that's why I don't remember her name.  Maybe I have blocked it from my memory.  Instead she told me that I had a large cyst on my right ovary and that we had to tend with that before moving on.  What!?!  Was she kidding me?  Was she wrong?  Maybe she doesn't know what she's doing!  Nope, she was right...there was a cyst and that cyst haunted me for the next 5 months.

2 years ago...

I suppose that the start of this blog is somewhat timely given that 2 years ago tomorrow is the day that we found out that I was pregnant.  It was Super Bowl Sunday and we were invited to assorted parties and gatherings but opted to stay home.  We knew that was the "big day" and I didn't want to be around people in case we were disappointed but I also didn't want the glow to give it away either!  So, we spent the day home together...the Super Bowl will never be the same for us!

So, how did we get from April 2008 to pregnant in February 2009???  Well, it was quite a journey and involved a lot of bloodwork, ultrasounds, needles, pills, and procedures.  I will not sugarcoat it...infertility treatment is not for the weak, faint, or weary.  It's complicated, painful, and requires immense amounts of patience.  But, when it works, all of that fades to black!

The approach that we took was to try each form of treatment from least invasive to most invasive for 2 cycles and then move on.  As I have said previously, we did not want this process to take over our lives.  We wanted to have a baby but were not going to let the process of having a baby negatively impact ourselves or our relationship along the way.  We wanted to move through it swiftly but responsibly and only hoped for one healthy baby in the end.  We weren't looking for a reality show, although we often joked about it, we just wanted one healthy baby.

After 6 months of trying less invasive methods we were not finding success and each month I was getting more and more frustrated.  I was finding myself resentful of those around me who were able to get pregnant on the first try.  I found myself judging perfect strangers for how I perceived them to be raising their children because they were curt with their son in the grocery store.  I found myself pulling away from those in my life who did have children and I knew that this is not the person who I wanted to become.  So, in October 2008 we made the choice to go all the way and start the process of IVF or in-vitro fertilization.  This was not an easy decision to come to.  I wrestled with whether we were tempting fate or asking for too much.  I struggled with the stance that the Catholic Chuch takes with regard to this approach.  I wondered if we would end up with more than we could handle (twins or triplets!).  But in the end we gave it a try and two years ago tomorrow we got the news that we had been hoping and praying for.  We were having a baby!

Why not me?

Our journey began in April 2008 with our first appointment at the Yale Fertility Center.  I remember walking across the parking lot and feeling sad that our process of starting a family was so different.  I remember walking into the non-descript building, that we had driven by a hundred times, and feeling like there was all this promise and hope, heartbreak and disappointment packed into this office.  I remember walking in to the reception area and looking around at the other women...and men...and wondered if their plight was better or worse than mine.  I wondered if they were trying without success, surrogates, donors, or none of the above.  I wondered if they were wondering the same thing about me.  And at that moment I decided two things that have guided me through this journey:  1)  I would never ask "why me?" only "why not me?".  And, 2) I would be open, honest, and unashamed about what was our reality.  

Why not me?  I have insurance coverage, a supportive family, an understanding employer, a flexible schedule and the faith that the journey will lead us in the right direction.  I thought many, many times along the way that I was diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility...whatever that means...because I could handle whatever that meant.  I could handle the disappointment each month when I found out I wasn't pregnant.  I could handle the shots, the needles, the procedures, the blood work, the early morning appointments, and endless waiting.  Perhaps there are women out there who can't handle those things and this is why I have "Unexplained Infertility."

So that has been my mantra through the ups and downs.  Why not me?

1998...

Eleven years before Maggie was born, while I was attending college in Upstate New York, long before I met my husband John, I knew that my road to mommyhood would not be an easy one.  After a ruptured ovarian cyst and ultrasounds showed many more, I was warned that a pregnancy would not come easily.

I remember at the time feeling incredibly sad but put it out of my mind after a few brief days.  After all, I was in college, no husband in sight, and no immediate plans for children.  I would worry about that when I needed to...and 1998 was not that time.

Fast forward to 2005...

On September 3, 2005 after dating for three years, John Kennedy finally proposed!  I wanted to be married before I was 30 and it looked like that was now a possibility.  We quickly set a date of September 22, 2007 and the planning began.  As we planned our wedding we also planned our future which, of course, would include a family.  We had both come from close-knit families, each of us with 2 siblings and had spent much of our dating life with my niece and nephew who only reinforced our desire to have children.

So as we looked forward to our wedding we also looked forward to the prospect of starting a family.  In the back of my mind I knew that there might be some bumps in the road but I secretly hoped that my body would cooperate and a baby would find its way to us the easy way. 

After 6 months of trying to conceive the good old fashioned way, we had both come to terms with the notion that we might need a little medical intervention.  I don't remember that being a tough decision to make...it just kinda' seemed like the next logical step.  I think whether spoken or unspoke there was an agreement between John and I that the baby making process was not going to take over our lives.  And so, after consulting with my OBGYN I got a referral to the Yale Fertility Center and so began our journey...

An introduction...

I am Maggie's Mama.  And I call myself that because Maggie, in the sweetest, softest, littlest voice has started repeating "Mama" over and over and I love every ounce of that little word when it comes from that little girl.

Maggie is Margaret Muriel Kennedy...Mags...MMK...Baby Maggie...Maggielicious etc... and she was welcomed into this world on October 6, 2009 at Yale New Haven Children's Hospital in New Haven, Connecticut.  I believe that YNHH is quite possibly a magical place but I will get to that a little later. 

Maggie's life began long before that Tuesday in October and this blog will tell you the story of how she came to be and why we love her so.  Our story or journey as I like to call it is intended to be an inspiration to those whose "Maggie's" have not made their way into this world.  It's not meant to offer advice or judgment, but only experience to families who are struggling to conceive.