Day 3 arrived...and once again we made the drive to New Haven to the non-descript building where the Yale Fertility Clinic is located. We walked in...knowing that the outcome of this day could bring overwhelming joy or unbearable disappointment and all we could do was hope, pray, and believe that whatever would happened was meant to be.
Ironically I don't remember all of the specifics of the day. It's all a little hazy to me with pieces that are so very vivid. For instance, I remember laying in the transfer room and having the lab tech bring me a label with my vital information for comparison with that on the embryos. I remember there being a small pass through window in the wall that separated the lab from the procedure room and thinking that on the other side of that wall is a room full of hope and life. I remember Dr. Seli talking with us about the quality of the embryos and telling us that of the 12 that we started with, we still had 5 viable embryos. I remember talking with Dr. Seli about whether to transfer 2 embryos or 3 and him recommending 2 since I was still young and had more time to have children. And so, the decision was made. We would transfer 2 embryos and freeze 3 for the future.
And with that, the procedure began. I had been prescribed a valium to help me relax, but unfortunately I took it too late and was hardly relaxed during the transfer. At one point Dr. Seli spoke very sternly to me and said "if you want this to work, you need to relax.". I felt like I had been yelled at...but I know that it was for good reason. And so, I tried my very hardest to relax my tender body that was sore and achy from the retrieval only 3 days earlier. And in a matter of only minutes, the transfer was done, John was allowed to come in and Dr. Seli presented us with an ultrasound picture of where he had implanted the 2 little embryos that would hopefully make a home in my belly.
Now all we had to do was wait...and wait we did.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
12!
So here we were...stuck in a holding pattern...impatiently waiting for a plan of action to de-cyst me! Fortunately, it didn't take long to come up with that plan and within a few days we were scheduled to have it drained so that we can move forward. The process of draining it really wasn't a big deal and the fact that it would mean that we could check that off the list made it even easier. We were back on track with shots, shots, and more shots and 7:30am drives to New Haven as we prepared and monitored my body for the retrieval.
As you go through the preparation you become very familiar with your doctors. Once we were back on track we were driving to New Haven every other day or so for bloodwork and ultrasounds to see how many follicles had developed. As I said earlier there is a fine line between having the right amount of eggs and too many and the ultrasounds help to figure that out. Each visit to the doctor was followed by an afternoon phone call with further instructions. Sometimes those instructions meant continuing with the shots and coming in for another ultrasound in a few days. But, finally the call came that we were scheduled for the retrieval! FINALLY!
So, on Sunday, January 18 we made the drive to Yale that would change our lives forever. Out of that visit came 12 eggs! 12! That's a great number! We had every single reason in the world to count our blessings...and we did! Now it was left to the doctor's to do their work in the lab and it was left to us to rest until day 3---the transfer day!
Those three days seemed like an eternity...and I'm not gonna' lie...I felt like crap! The retrieval process is not an easy one. I developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and made an already uncomfortable body even more so. It also made me fearful of what day 3 would be like. This was supposed to be a joyful process and I was feeling terrible. But once again, it was one more obstacle that we had to overcome if we wanted to have a baby. We were willing to do just about anything...and we did.
As you go through the preparation you become very familiar with your doctors. Once we were back on track we were driving to New Haven every other day or so for bloodwork and ultrasounds to see how many follicles had developed. As I said earlier there is a fine line between having the right amount of eggs and too many and the ultrasounds help to figure that out. Each visit to the doctor was followed by an afternoon phone call with further instructions. Sometimes those instructions meant continuing with the shots and coming in for another ultrasound in a few days. But, finally the call came that we were scheduled for the retrieval! FINALLY!
So, on Sunday, January 18 we made the drive to Yale that would change our lives forever. Out of that visit came 12 eggs! 12! That's a great number! We had every single reason in the world to count our blessings...and we did! Now it was left to the doctor's to do their work in the lab and it was left to us to rest until day 3---the transfer day!
Those three days seemed like an eternity...and I'm not gonna' lie...I felt like crap! The retrieval process is not an easy one. I developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and made an already uncomfortable body even more so. It also made me fearful of what day 3 would be like. This was supposed to be a joyful process and I was feeling terrible. But once again, it was one more obstacle that we had to overcome if we wanted to have a baby. We were willing to do just about anything...and we did.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Here we go...
So, the decision was made. We were going to take the leap and start the process of IVF. Dr. Seli and Dr. Martin all but guaranteed me that I could get pregnant through IVF so we were pretty optimistic at the start of the process. While we made the decision in October 2008 we didn't actually start the process until January 2009...damn holidays! But, on January 2, 2009 we made the drive at 7:30am to the Yale Fertility Clinic for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork.
The 7:30am drive had become quite familiar to me as I had done it probably 30 times prior to this day. But, this day felt different. Maybe it was because it was the new year...but I don't think so. I think deep inside I knew that this was the start of something life-changing. The 7:30am appointments had become routine at this point. I went into the clinic, checked in, got my number, went around the corner and waited to be called...along with up to a dozen other women...depending on the day. I remember always looking at the other women wondering where they were in their journey...for all I knew some of them could have been pregnant already and were having their levels checked (as is customary for the first trimester when you do fertility treatment). Finally my number was called and I went in to see Sandra who is a miracle worker with a blood draw.
After dozens of blood draws, my veins, which stunk to begin with were on their last legs. But Sandra somehow always managed to get what she needed and this day was no exception. From the blood draw I went into one of 6 ultrasound rooms and waited for my turn. It was usually a fellow who did the ultrasounds...either Dr. Bromer or Dr. Martin. I always hoped for Dr. Martin...he is an extraordinary physician. Today, though I saw Dr.---I can't remember her name. She was a 1st year fellow...but that didn't matter to me...all I wanted to hear was that everything looked fine and that we could move forward with the process. Unfortunately, this was not the news I received. Looking back, maybe that's why I don't remember her name. Maybe I have blocked it from my memory. Instead she told me that I had a large cyst on my right ovary and that we had to tend with that before moving on. What!?! Was she kidding me? Was she wrong? Maybe she doesn't know what she's doing! Nope, she was right...there was a cyst and that cyst haunted me for the next 5 months.
The 7:30am drive had become quite familiar to me as I had done it probably 30 times prior to this day. But, this day felt different. Maybe it was because it was the new year...but I don't think so. I think deep inside I knew that this was the start of something life-changing. The 7:30am appointments had become routine at this point. I went into the clinic, checked in, got my number, went around the corner and waited to be called...along with up to a dozen other women...depending on the day. I remember always looking at the other women wondering where they were in their journey...for all I knew some of them could have been pregnant already and were having their levels checked (as is customary for the first trimester when you do fertility treatment). Finally my number was called and I went in to see Sandra who is a miracle worker with a blood draw.
After dozens of blood draws, my veins, which stunk to begin with were on their last legs. But Sandra somehow always managed to get what she needed and this day was no exception. From the blood draw I went into one of 6 ultrasound rooms and waited for my turn. It was usually a fellow who did the ultrasounds...either Dr. Bromer or Dr. Martin. I always hoped for Dr. Martin...he is an extraordinary physician. Today, though I saw Dr.---I can't remember her name. She was a 1st year fellow...but that didn't matter to me...all I wanted to hear was that everything looked fine and that we could move forward with the process. Unfortunately, this was not the news I received. Looking back, maybe that's why I don't remember her name. Maybe I have blocked it from my memory. Instead she told me that I had a large cyst on my right ovary and that we had to tend with that before moving on. What!?! Was she kidding me? Was she wrong? Maybe she doesn't know what she's doing! Nope, she was right...there was a cyst and that cyst haunted me for the next 5 months.
Monday, January 31, 2011
2 years ago...
I suppose that the start of this blog is somewhat timely given that 2 years ago tomorrow is the day that we found out that I was pregnant. It was Super Bowl Sunday and we were invited to assorted parties and gatherings but opted to stay home. We knew that was the "big day" and I didn't want to be around people in case we were disappointed but I also didn't want the glow to give it away either! So, we spent the day home together...the Super Bowl will never be the same for us!
So, how did we get from April 2008 to pregnant in February 2009??? Well, it was quite a journey and involved a lot of bloodwork, ultrasounds, needles, pills, and procedures. I will not sugarcoat it...infertility treatment is not for the weak, faint, or weary. It's complicated, painful, and requires immense amounts of patience. But, when it works, all of that fades to black!
The approach that we took was to try each form of treatment from least invasive to most invasive for 2 cycles and then move on. As I have said previously, we did not want this process to take over our lives. We wanted to have a baby but were not going to let the process of having a baby negatively impact ourselves or our relationship along the way. We wanted to move through it swiftly but responsibly and only hoped for one healthy baby in the end. We weren't looking for a reality show, although we often joked about it, we just wanted one healthy baby.
After 6 months of trying less invasive methods we were not finding success and each month I was getting more and more frustrated. I was finding myself resentful of those around me who were able to get pregnant on the first try. I found myself judging perfect strangers for how I perceived them to be raising their children because they were curt with their son in the grocery store. I found myself pulling away from those in my life who did have children and I knew that this is not the person who I wanted to become. So, in October 2008 we made the choice to go all the way and start the process of IVF or in-vitro fertilization. This was not an easy decision to come to. I wrestled with whether we were tempting fate or asking for too much. I struggled with the stance that the Catholic Chuch takes with regard to this approach. I wondered if we would end up with more than we could handle (twins or triplets!). But in the end we gave it a try and two years ago tomorrow we got the news that we had been hoping and praying for. We were having a baby!
So, how did we get from April 2008 to pregnant in February 2009??? Well, it was quite a journey and involved a lot of bloodwork, ultrasounds, needles, pills, and procedures. I will not sugarcoat it...infertility treatment is not for the weak, faint, or weary. It's complicated, painful, and requires immense amounts of patience. But, when it works, all of that fades to black!
The approach that we took was to try each form of treatment from least invasive to most invasive for 2 cycles and then move on. As I have said previously, we did not want this process to take over our lives. We wanted to have a baby but were not going to let the process of having a baby negatively impact ourselves or our relationship along the way. We wanted to move through it swiftly but responsibly and only hoped for one healthy baby in the end. We weren't looking for a reality show, although we often joked about it, we just wanted one healthy baby.
After 6 months of trying less invasive methods we were not finding success and each month I was getting more and more frustrated. I was finding myself resentful of those around me who were able to get pregnant on the first try. I found myself judging perfect strangers for how I perceived them to be raising their children because they were curt with their son in the grocery store. I found myself pulling away from those in my life who did have children and I knew that this is not the person who I wanted to become. So, in October 2008 we made the choice to go all the way and start the process of IVF or in-vitro fertilization. This was not an easy decision to come to. I wrestled with whether we were tempting fate or asking for too much. I struggled with the stance that the Catholic Chuch takes with regard to this approach. I wondered if we would end up with more than we could handle (twins or triplets!). But in the end we gave it a try and two years ago tomorrow we got the news that we had been hoping and praying for. We were having a baby!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Why not me?
Our journey began in April 2008 with our first appointment at the Yale Fertility Center. I remember walking across the parking lot and feeling sad that our process of starting a family was so different. I remember walking into the non-descript building, that we had driven by a hundred times, and feeling like there was all this promise and hope, heartbreak and disappointment packed into this office. I remember walking in to the reception area and looking around at the other women...and men...and wondered if their plight was better or worse than mine. I wondered if they were trying without success, surrogates, donors, or none of the above. I wondered if they were wondering the same thing about me. And at that moment I decided two things that have guided me through this journey: 1) I would never ask "why me?" only "why not me?". And, 2) I would be open, honest, and unashamed about what was our reality.
Why not me? I have insurance coverage, a supportive family, an understanding employer, a flexible schedule and the faith that the journey will lead us in the right direction. I thought many, many times along the way that I was diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility...whatever that means...because I could handle whatever that meant. I could handle the disappointment each month when I found out I wasn't pregnant. I could handle the shots, the needles, the procedures, the blood work, the early morning appointments, and endless waiting. Perhaps there are women out there who can't handle those things and this is why I have "Unexplained Infertility."
So that has been my mantra through the ups and downs. Why not me?
Why not me? I have insurance coverage, a supportive family, an understanding employer, a flexible schedule and the faith that the journey will lead us in the right direction. I thought many, many times along the way that I was diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility...whatever that means...because I could handle whatever that meant. I could handle the disappointment each month when I found out I wasn't pregnant. I could handle the shots, the needles, the procedures, the blood work, the early morning appointments, and endless waiting. Perhaps there are women out there who can't handle those things and this is why I have "Unexplained Infertility."
So that has been my mantra through the ups and downs. Why not me?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
1998...
Eleven years before Maggie was born, while I was attending college in Upstate New York, long before I met my husband John, I knew that my road to mommyhood would not be an easy one. After a ruptured ovarian cyst and ultrasounds showed many more, I was warned that a pregnancy would not come easily.
I remember at the time feeling incredibly sad but put it out of my mind after a few brief days. After all, I was in college, no husband in sight, and no immediate plans for children. I would worry about that when I needed to...and 1998 was not that time.
Fast forward to 2005...
On September 3, 2005 after dating for three years, John Kennedy finally proposed! I wanted to be married before I was 30 and it looked like that was now a possibility. We quickly set a date of September 22, 2007 and the planning began. As we planned our wedding we also planned our future which, of course, would include a family. We had both come from close-knit families, each of us with 2 siblings and had spent much of our dating life with my niece and nephew who only reinforced our desire to have children.
So as we looked forward to our wedding we also looked forward to the prospect of starting a family. In the back of my mind I knew that there might be some bumps in the road but I secretly hoped that my body would cooperate and a baby would find its way to us the easy way.
After 6 months of trying to conceive the good old fashioned way, we had both come to terms with the notion that we might need a little medical intervention. I don't remember that being a tough decision to make...it just kinda' seemed like the next logical step. I think whether spoken or unspoke there was an agreement between John and I that the baby making process was not going to take over our lives. And so, after consulting with my OBGYN I got a referral to the Yale Fertility Center and so began our journey...
I remember at the time feeling incredibly sad but put it out of my mind after a few brief days. After all, I was in college, no husband in sight, and no immediate plans for children. I would worry about that when I needed to...and 1998 was not that time.
Fast forward to 2005...
On September 3, 2005 after dating for three years, John Kennedy finally proposed! I wanted to be married before I was 30 and it looked like that was now a possibility. We quickly set a date of September 22, 2007 and the planning began. As we planned our wedding we also planned our future which, of course, would include a family. We had both come from close-knit families, each of us with 2 siblings and had spent much of our dating life with my niece and nephew who only reinforced our desire to have children.
So as we looked forward to our wedding we also looked forward to the prospect of starting a family. In the back of my mind I knew that there might be some bumps in the road but I secretly hoped that my body would cooperate and a baby would find its way to us the easy way.
After 6 months of trying to conceive the good old fashioned way, we had both come to terms with the notion that we might need a little medical intervention. I don't remember that being a tough decision to make...it just kinda' seemed like the next logical step. I think whether spoken or unspoke there was an agreement between John and I that the baby making process was not going to take over our lives. And so, after consulting with my OBGYN I got a referral to the Yale Fertility Center and so began our journey...
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