Margaret's Mama: 'A Perfect Family'

Margaret's Mama: 'A Perfect Family': "I came across an article on Newzjunky tonight that has left me wondering about the definition of 'a perfect family'. The article was about ..."

'A Perfect Family'

I came across an article on Newzjunky tonight that has left me wondering about the definition of 'a perfect family'.  The article was about a family from Kentucky who went through gender selection IVF in order to form their perfect family of 2 boys and 2 girls.  My immediate thought was, why the hell would she put herself through that.  This was followed by what doctor in the world thinks this is an acceptable form of treatment.  Finally I thought about the one daughter she does have and wondered what her daughter will think about her mother's extreme attempt at building what she defines as 'a perfect family'. 

While every person's definition of a perfect family is certainly different, I can only comment on my own.  My definition of a perfect family is much more than the number of children I have or their gender.  It's more than what we look like in photos.  My definition changes by the day.  There are days when I dream of more children and siblings for MMK.  There are days when my perfect family looks exactly the way it is right now...with John and Maggie sleeping peacefully upstairs.  At Thanksgiving my definition encompasses all of the Brown's.  So, while I try not to judge the decision of a perfect stranger in Kentucky who defines her perfect family as two boys and two girls, I have to believe that a perfect family is what you make of what you're given.  We've been given Maggie and for us that is pefection!

I don't want her to ever feel like she wasn't enough...

Well, nearly three months have passed since my last entry.  Some wounds have healed, some questions have been answered, and life plans have changed.  Since March 30 as a family we have come to grips with the reality that we may never be more than a family of three...that is if you don't count our four legged daughter.  In the early days after my miscarriage there was the urgent sense of we need to decide what to do.  Do we try again?  Do we try on our own?  Do we do IVF?  Can we do IVF?  What are the risks?  Do we want to start all over again?  Do we want to move on?  There were zillions of questions and at the end of it all we have come to terms with we need to do what feels right for us. 

We had a consultation in early April with Dr. Seli to discuss what had happened even though we knew there were no real answers.  For that matter we would never even know just how many we had for just a few brief days.  Speculation says three babies were on their way to us, so the mindset that I have is that three was more than we could handle and that is why we lost them.  In my mind it's the only way I can make sense of it.  During our consultation with Dr. Seli I sobbed and sobbed.  He was definitely taken by surprise by this, after all, I was only 5 weeks along.  But through the tears I tried to explain to him that because these embryos had been a part of our life since January 2009 the loss felt so much deeper.  We had endless conversations about them as we drove past the non-descript building on our way to Ikea.  We talked about names.  We talked to Maggie about them.  And, perhaps that was the wrong approach, but that was our approach.  And because we had one successful pregnancy it never in a million years entered my mind that the next one wouldn't have the same result.

During our consultation we asked lots of questions...how soon could we do IVF again if we chose to?  Could the cyst that almost cost us Maggie return?  Could I have another miscarriage?  What were our options if we didn't want to do IVF?  What were our options if we didn't want to freeze any embryos?  and on and on and on...

There were no real answers only a feeling inside that I didn't want to have my life consumed by doctors' appointments, fertility medications, crazy expensive health insurance, wonder, doubt, and fear.  We said when we started the process in 2008 that all we wanted was one health baby...and we had that.  So, before we were even out of the building, I looked at John and said...I'm done.  I don't want to do it again. 

I remember feeling like he was going to be disappointed but at the end of the day he has supported me and has accepted that we may only ever be a family of three.  Since that time there have been a handful of occasions where I have felt like maybe I want to try again, but more often than not I feel like my life is complete.

Throughout the course of our second round and then subsequent miscarriage I talked with my mom almost every day.  And in every conversation I tried to figure out what was right and would try to reason with the unreasonable.  And in the course of one of those conversations I said to my mom..."I don't want Maggie to feel like she wasn't enough."  And since then that has been my guiding light...and so I have made peace with our fate.  There are nights when I am sad...tonight is one of them...but we are so blessed to have the little girl that we have and I couldn't be happier to be Margaret's Mama.

Where do we go from here...

So, it's been a while since I last posted but the Kennedy family has been a little busy and life got in the way of my blog.  And while up to this point this blog has tracked our journey from start to finish, I have no choice tonight but to time travel to present day.

About six months ago, John and I made the decision to start the process once again and take our chances with the three embryos that we had left from Maggie's cycle in the hopes of offering her a sibling.  We knew that the process would take some time.  I am approaching my mid-30's and "our plan"...really "John's plan" has always been to have the kids out of the house by the time we are 55...so his clock was also ticking.  We went through all of the necessary steps to make this happen.  Open enrollment season arrived and we swallowed our pride and changed our insurance so that we would have the coverage we needed which does not come cheaply, I might add.  We scheduled an appointment with Dr. Seli.  We gave our wonderful daycare provider a heads up.  We began taking stock of our finances and figuring out how we could make it work with another member of the family.  We talked about whether we would need to cave and buy a minivan or better yet, a new house.  We looked at 2 baby strollers.  We did it all...we had made the decision and we were moving forward.

After our first consultation with Dr. Seli on November 1, 2010 he advised that we wait a few more months until Maggie turned 18 months old.  I had a c-section with her and he wanted to offer more time for my body to recover from that.  There were a couple of tests (no shock there) that I would have to go through before we could start the process and once I was in the clear there we could start the shots, pills, etc... in order to prepare my body for the frozen embryo transfer.

We counted days.  We predicted due dates.  We planned our summer around the prospect of a pregnancy and our excitement built and built and built.  And finally we received word that my body was ready and March 11, 2011 was the day...the transfer day.

We went to the clinic that morning knowing what to expect more or less.  After all, this was not our first rodeo.  We went into the procedure room and suddenly we were presented with the most amazing picture.  It was of the three Kennedy babies (from under a microscope of course).  And they didn't look like much more than a bundle of cells, but they were our cells, and for two years we had loved them like they were already our children. 

The embryologist, fellow, nurse, and Dr. Seli all commented on how remarkable these embryos were and how our chances for twins were extremely high given their quality...and so we began to prepare even more for the prospect of multiples.  Obviously we knew it was a chance...after all we were transferring three but we had always thought that was a long shot...but it didn't seem like such a long shot anymore.

The transfer was relatively uneventful with the exception of the remarkable picture and afterwards I went home and rested for the weekend.  And the waiting began.

Fortunately, because the three embryos were 5 day blastocysts my waiting period was only 11 days instead of the full 14 that I had experienced the first time around.

I filled those 11 days with as much as I could in the hopes that they would fly by and we would get the news we had waited so long for.  And finally, those 11 days came to a close and once again I drove to the clinic...this time with Maggie in tow for my 7:30am blood work that would tell me if we were going to have a baby or babies!  And then there was more waiting.

As I begin to write this, my fingers are suddenly freezing up.  I am not sure they know how to tell they next part of our story.  Perhaps it's still too fresh.  Perhaps I still don't understand it myself.  But I will march on and share it as best I can.

On March 22, 2011 at 12:02pm, while I was having lunch with my very good friend/work husband the call came....we were expecting!  My HCG levels had come back at a whopping 271 (an indication of multiples) and we could celebrate...and we did.

I immediately called John at work.  We told our bosses.  We told our parents and siblings.  I told a few people at work and a few close friends.  The clinic scheduled us to return for more bloodwork on the 24th and every other day after that and once my levels reached 2500 they would do an ultrasound to determine how many Kennedy babies were joining the world.

We talked about how we would announce it to the world and decided a big sister t-shirt for Maggie would be the approriate method and ordered it right away from cafe press.We were moving forward full steam ahead...all we needed to know was whether we would be a family of 4, 5 or 6!

On Thursday, March 24, I returned to the clinic for my bloodwork and mentally prepared myself for them to call with some astronomical number that was further evidence of multiples.  I won't sugarcoat it, I was already feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of more than one baby, but I knew that we could handle it...somehow.  That afternoon at about 2:00pm while I was standing in the athletic center setting up for a major event, the call came.  My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, what was it...what could the number be???  Immediately when I heard the nurse's voice I knew something was wrong.  My levels had dropped from 271 to 185...this was not a good sign.  I was devastated...paralyzed with fear, sadness, and disappointment.  Something was wrong.  The nurse reassured me that perhaps there had been more than one baby and that I had lost one but there was no reason to believe that the pregnancy had ended.  I had to go back in two more days.

I went back on Saturday...waited all day for the call...the call came.  The number had dropped again.  I was down to 88.  They scheduled me for another follow up on Monday.

Monday came...I waited all day...the call came.  The number was down to 22.  There was nothing left and I had had a miscarriage.  The three Kennedy babies that were conceived in January 2009 were gone.

And so we grieve and ask ourselves, where do we go from here?

Day 3...2 or 3???

Day 3 arrived...and once again we made the drive to New Haven to the non-descript building where the Yale Fertility Clinic is located.  We walked in...knowing that the outcome of this day could bring overwhelming joy or unbearable disappointment and all we could do was hope, pray, and believe that whatever would happened was meant to be.

Ironically I don't remember all of the specifics of the day.  It's all a little hazy to me with pieces that are so very vivid.  For instance, I remember laying in the transfer room and having the lab tech bring me a label with my vital information for comparison with that on the embryos.  I remember there being a small pass through window in the wall that separated the lab from the procedure room and thinking that on the other side of that wall is a room full of hope and life.  I remember Dr. Seli talking with us about the quality of the embryos and telling us that of the 12 that we started with, we still had 5 viable embryos.  I remember talking with Dr. Seli about whether to transfer 2 embryos or 3 and him recommending 2 since I was still young and had more time to have children.  And so, the decision was made.  We would transfer 2 embryos and freeze 3 for the future.

And with that, the procedure began.  I had been prescribed a valium to help me relax, but unfortunately I took it too late and was hardly relaxed during the transfer.  At one point Dr. Seli spoke very sternly to me and said "if you want this to work, you need to relax.".  I felt like I had been yelled at...but I know that it was for good reason.  And so, I tried my very hardest to relax my tender body that was sore and achy from the retrieval only 3 days earlier.  And in a matter of only minutes, the transfer was done, John was allowed to come in and Dr. Seli presented us with an ultrasound picture of where he had implanted the 2 little embryos that would hopefully make a home in my belly.

Now all we had to do was wait...and wait we did.

12!

So here we were...stuck in a holding pattern...impatiently waiting for a plan of action to de-cyst me!  Fortunately, it didn't take long to come up with that plan and within a few days we were scheduled to have it drained so that we can move forward.  The process of draining it really wasn't a big deal and the fact that it would mean that we could check that off the list made it even easier.  We were back on track with shots, shots, and more shots and 7:30am drives to New Haven as we prepared and monitored my body for the retrieval. 

As you go through the preparation you become very familiar with your doctors.  Once we were back on track we were driving to New Haven every other day or so for bloodwork and ultrasounds to see how many follicles had developed.  As I said earlier there is a fine line between having the right amount of eggs and too many and the ultrasounds help to figure that out.  Each visit to the doctor was followed by an afternoon phone call with further instructions.  Sometimes those instructions meant continuing with the shots and coming in for another ultrasound in a few days.  But, finally the call came that we were scheduled for the retrieval!  FINALLY!

So, on Sunday, January 18 we made the drive to Yale that would change our lives forever.  Out of that visit came 12 eggs!  12!  That's a great number!  We had every single reason in the world to count our blessings...and we did!  Now it was left to the doctor's to do their work in the lab and it was left to us to rest until day 3---the transfer day!

Those three days seemed like an eternity...and I'm not gonna' lie...I felt like crap!  The retrieval process is not an easy one.  I developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and made an already uncomfortable body even more so.  It also made me fearful of what day 3 would be like.  This was supposed to be a joyful process and I was feeling terrible.  But once again, it was one more obstacle that we had to overcome if we wanted to have a baby.  We were willing to do just about anything...and we did. 

Here we go...

So, the decision was made.  We were going to take the leap and start the process of IVF.  Dr. Seli and Dr. Martin all but guaranteed me that I could get pregnant through IVF so we were pretty optimistic at the start of the process.  While we made the decision in October 2008 we didn't actually start the process until January 2009...damn holidays!  But, on January 2, 2009 we made the drive at 7:30am to the Yale Fertility Clinic for my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork. 

The 7:30am drive had become quite familiar to me as I had done it probably 30 times prior to this day.  But, this day felt different.  Maybe it was because it was the new year...but I don't think so.  I think deep inside I knew that this was the start of something life-changing.  The 7:30am appointments had become routine at this point.  I went into the clinic, checked in, got my number, went around the corner and waited to be called...along with up to a dozen other women...depending on the day.  I remember always looking at the other women wondering where they were in their journey...for all I knew some of them could have been pregnant already and were having their levels checked (as is customary for the first trimester when you do fertility treatment).  Finally my number was called and I went in to see Sandra who is a miracle worker with a blood draw. 

After dozens of blood draws, my veins, which stunk to begin with were on their last legs.  But Sandra somehow always managed to get what she needed and this day was no exception.  From the blood draw I went into one of 6 ultrasound rooms and waited for my turn.  It was usually a fellow who did the ultrasounds...either Dr. Bromer or Dr. Martin.  I always hoped for Dr. Martin...he is an extraordinary physician.  Today, though I saw Dr.---I can't remember her name.  She was a 1st year fellow...but that didn't matter to me...all I wanted to hear was that everything looked fine and that we could move forward with the process.  Unfortunately, this was not the news I received.  Looking back, maybe that's why I don't remember her name.  Maybe I have blocked it from my memory.  Instead she told me that I had a large cyst on my right ovary and that we had to tend with that before moving on.  What!?!  Was she kidding me?  Was she wrong?  Maybe she doesn't know what she's doing!  Nope, she was right...there was a cyst and that cyst haunted me for the next 5 months.