This time is different...

This time feels so much different.  As I type this entry I sit waiting anxiously for the phone to ring.  The call that I am expecting is one that will tell me whether or not IVF/FET round #2 was a successful one.  You see, we have kept secret the fact that we entered this process for a second time.  And today is the day that I sit and wait for the call that will tell me if I am or am not pregnant.

As I wait for the phone to ring I feel an enormous sense of anxiety because after all, we know what could happen.  We know that we could find out today that we are pregnant and find out in a few days that I have had another miscarriage.  But, those are the risks that we were willing to take when we decided to try again.  In March as I waited for the call, I felt nothing but excitement about the prospect of becoming parents again.  Today, I am scared to death...mostly because I don't know how I will be able to contain the grief should it not work out.

I have also found myself much more bitter this time around.  I am enormously angry at people even my own friends and family members who are parents to children who aren't wanted or loved.  It makes our own circumstances that much more infuriating. I try to move through that anger but feel stuck in it. 

Thinking about the fear, anxiety, anger, uncertainty, and what-ifs make it almost regrettable that we have opened ourselves up like this once again.  But, then I try to remind myself of the possiblity of an expanded Kennedy family and that glimmer of hope makes the difference.

And so I wait...

November 27

November 27, 2011 is fast approaching and with it I feel this enormous sense of dread, anxiety and profound sadness.  I was sure in March when we got the results of our pregnancy test that we would be spending Thanksgiving in CT and celebrating the arrival of a new Kennedy baby/babies.  But nearly 8 months later we are making plans to go home and celebrate the holiday with our families.  And while I am excited at the prospect of visiting home and seeing family, I dread the idea of being surrounded by new bundles of joy...I am simply not sure I will be able to keep it together.

Last week four people I know had babies.  In the next few months a dozen more are due.  And while I am happy for these people I can't help but be sad at our own circumstances and November 27 will surely prove to be a difficult day.

Throughout the past few months I remind myself of the blessings we do have, the amazing little girl who is my daughter...but there are darker days when I am just plain angry that our path to parenthood hasn't been an easy one.

Throughout the course of 2011, the number 11 has been symbolic in many ways...the transfer was on the 11th of March, the preganancy test was 11 days later, my due date was the 11th month of the 11th year...and so on...

And so, as we approach the end of this year, I am looking forward to putting 11 behind us and seeing what 2012 has in store!  Who knows maybe 12 will bring some luck and blessings to the Kennedy family!