This time feels so much different. As I type this entry I sit waiting anxiously for the phone to ring. The call that I am expecting is one that will tell me whether or not IVF/FET round #2 was a successful one. You see, we have kept secret the fact that we entered this process for a second time. And today is the day that I sit and wait for the call that will tell me if I am or am not pregnant.
As I wait for the phone to ring I feel an enormous sense of anxiety because after all, we know what could happen. We know that we could find out today that we are pregnant and find out in a few days that I have had another miscarriage. But, those are the risks that we were willing to take when we decided to try again. In March as I waited for the call, I felt nothing but excitement about the prospect of becoming parents again. Today, I am scared to death...mostly because I don't know how I will be able to contain the grief should it not work out.
I have also found myself much more bitter this time around. I am enormously angry at people even my own friends and family members who are parents to children who aren't wanted or loved. It makes our own circumstances that much more infuriating. I try to move through that anger but feel stuck in it.
Thinking about the fear, anxiety, anger, uncertainty, and what-ifs make it almost regrettable that we have opened ourselves up like this once again. But, then I try to remind myself of the possiblity of an expanded Kennedy family and that glimmer of hope makes the difference.
And so I wait...
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