2WW

And here we are...at the dreaded, never-ending two week wait.  It feels as though March 2 will never come...and when it does the hours between that fateful blood draw and that life changing phone call will surely seem like an eternity.

Each round of IVF has felt very different and this one is no exception.  We're optimistic because what we asked for (a fresh cycle) what what happened.  But we were faced with a decision this time around that was new and foreign to us.  For the first time in three rounds we opted not to freeze any embryos and that has challenged me personally, morally, ethically, spiritually, mentally...well, you get it. 

Yesterday during the transfer there was a lot happening in the room.  There were two doctors, the embryologist and a nurse.  The embryologist is verifying your identity with that of the embryos...you're reciting your name and birthdate...you're trying to maintain some semblance of modesty in front of an audience...you're making life changing decisions like "are we transferring one or two?"  It's like an out of body experience. 

Yesterday as Marquea (one of our faves) was distracting me with questions about Maggie, I overheard Dr. Seli tell the embryologist that we were going to "throw out" the two embryos that weren't being transferred.  I know that's not what he meant.  I know that he's Turkish...and a scientist...and clinical...but that cheapened our decision...and I cried.  I have labored over that decision and have reminded myself that until the embryo makes a home inside of me, it's not really a baby...but knowing that our perfect little girl started out just like the two embryos that we "threw out" was unnerving and just plain sad.

And so we wait...and we wrestle with our decisions.

I agonize over every single thing I do.  Could lifting a laundry basket change the outcome?  Can kneeling over the bathtub change the outcome?  What if I eat more salad?  Take more vitamins?  Drink less soda? Drink more water?  Love Maggie more?  Pray more?  Plead more?  Be more patient?  Be a better mom?  Do a better job at work?  Not buy new clothes that might not fit me in a few months?  Look at fewer pregnancy websites?  Think about it less?  Worry about it less? 

And I know that there's nothing I can do at this point except wait...what's done is done.  And so, for the next 11 days I will hope and trust that's what meant to be will be.  And know that if it's not the outcome we're hoping for we will be o-kay...we have to be o-kay for Maggie...and for each other.