Tomorrow is the day...it's the day the 2WW comes to an end...the day when we find out if our family is expanding...the day we could be filled with joy or devastated for the third time in 12 months. Tomorrow is the day I am waiting for and dreading all at the same time.
I felt really prepared until last night. I felt calm, cool, and collected, like I would be okay no matter what the outcome and then last night it all came crashing down around me. I know deep down that I will be okay no matter what the outcome but it doesn't mean that I won't be temporarily devastated if it doesn't work...again. I struggle more and more with how this can be part of some larger plan for us. How can this be part of God's plan? How can God's plan offer children to people who can't care for them and don't want to care for them? That is what I don't understand...and I am not sure I ever will.
I feel vulnerable...and when I was trying to explain how I felt to John last night I was at a loss for words. Tomorrow will be like ripping open March 24, 2011, September 23, 2011 and December 1, 2011. Those wounds that I think have healed but probably haven't could be opened up tomorrow and we may face yet another disappointment.
And worse yet...we will have to face the fact that we have one more shot...and then we're done. We have to be...this can't be my life forever. It just can't be.
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