It's 3:03am and I am going on two hours of being wide awake trying to wrap my head around what has become of our life. I have searched the internet for two hours now looking for answers and have found none. My best guess is that I have an ectopic pregnancy. My worst guess is that there is no answer.
The call came around 2:30pm...my numbers had increased, but just barely...more bloodwork in three days and then we'll know more, I think...perhaps not. I found with my miscarriage in March 2011 that the blood draws every few days were torturous. If the doctors know that this is not a viable pregnancy, why must I be subjected to that reminder every few days. Just let it be. Just let me be.
With each unsuccessful round I find myself more and more angry and this time in particular I find myself wondering how this can possibly be part of God's plan for us. Haven't we been through enough? How can God's plan provide children to those who can't care for them, who abuse them, who don't love them, who don't treasure them? It makes me feel like I am not doing something right with Maggie. Like maybe God's watching over us and doesn't like what He sees.
I feel inadequate, defective, faulty...I feel beaten, changed, and defeated...but mostly I am just plain sad at the idea that when John and I are gone, Maggie will be all alone...and that thought is more than I can bear. And even worse is the idea that something could happen to her and then we will be alone.
I don't know where to go from here. John says he's done. He's tired of planning our lives around doctor's visits and injections. I'm tired of the endless waiting for more disappointing news. I know that the last year has taken a toll on our relationship with each other, with our family and with our friends. That also makes me sad. I feel like a patient...a pin cushion...a research project. I don't know what our life would be like to just live it as a family of three. Maybe we should try it...maybe we'll like it.
In the meantime, we wait...
No comments:
Post a Comment