Well, at 12:32pm on 3/2/2012 the call came from Dr. Seli's office...it was Marie on the phone...one of our faves and her news was good. I was pregnant and my hcg level came in at a whopping 227.
We were excited, but cautious since we know too well how life can change in an instant. We told a few people...our parents and a couple of people at work and then decided to wait until blood draw #2 to really wrap our heads around it.
Blood draw #2 happened on 3/4/2012 and once again it was news we weren't prepared for. My levels rose to 342 but they were supposed to double, and they didn't. What does that mean? Does it mean another miscarriage? Does it mean something is wrong? Does it mean that we're okay...after all they did raise? What does it mean?
So today we will find out...so here I am waiting...again and hoping that my numbers increase...that I am one of the 15% of women whose numbers don't double every 48 hours...hoping that everything will be o-kay...hoping that grief and despair are not in our future for the third time in twelve months.
The fear is palpable. I truly do not know how I will cope with yet another disappointment. The very idea of it makes me regret opening ourselves up to it yet again. The logical part of me know what we will be okay. We have no choice but to be okay. But I think it would be easier if they had told me 4 days ago that it didn't work instead of suffering yet another miscarriage. I feel ill. I feel nervous, anxious, sad, regretful, fearful, confused, bitter all at this very moment.
Why won't my damn phone ring? Did I give them the wrong number? Are they consulting over my results and that's why they haven't called? There has to be a reason.
I must sound totally crazy right now...and the truth is, I feel a little crazy. I cannot fathom the idea of them calling with good news. But maybe, just maybe they will. But, maybe not. And because that is very much a possiblity, I will prepare myself as best I can for the worst.
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