It's 3:03am and I am going on two hours of being wide awake trying to wrap my head around what has become of our life. I have searched the internet for two hours now looking for answers and have found none. My best guess is that I have an ectopic pregnancy. My worst guess is that there is no answer.
The call came around 2:30pm...my numbers had increased, but just barely...more bloodwork in three days and then we'll know more, I think...perhaps not. I found with my miscarriage in March 2011 that the blood draws every few days were torturous. If the doctors know that this is not a viable pregnancy, why must I be subjected to that reminder every few days. Just let it be. Just let me be.
With each unsuccessful round I find myself more and more angry and this time in particular I find myself wondering how this can possibly be part of God's plan for us. Haven't we been through enough? How can God's plan provide children to those who can't care for them, who abuse them, who don't love them, who don't treasure them? It makes me feel like I am not doing something right with Maggie. Like maybe God's watching over us and doesn't like what He sees.
I feel inadequate, defective, faulty...I feel beaten, changed, and defeated...but mostly I am just plain sad at the idea that when John and I are gone, Maggie will be all alone...and that thought is more than I can bear. And even worse is the idea that something could happen to her and then we will be alone.
I don't know where to go from here. John says he's done. He's tired of planning our lives around doctor's visits and injections. I'm tired of the endless waiting for more disappointing news. I know that the last year has taken a toll on our relationship with each other, with our family and with our friends. That also makes me sad. I feel like a patient...a pin cushion...a research project. I don't know what our life would be like to just live it as a family of three. Maybe we should try it...maybe we'll like it.
In the meantime, we wait...
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
More waiting...
Well, at 12:32pm on 3/2/2012 the call came from Dr. Seli's office...it was Marie on the phone...one of our faves and her news was good. I was pregnant and my hcg level came in at a whopping 227.
We were excited, but cautious since we know too well how life can change in an instant. We told a few people...our parents and a couple of people at work and then decided to wait until blood draw #2 to really wrap our heads around it.
Blood draw #2 happened on 3/4/2012 and once again it was news we weren't prepared for. My levels rose to 342 but they were supposed to double, and they didn't. What does that mean? Does it mean another miscarriage? Does it mean something is wrong? Does it mean that we're okay...after all they did raise? What does it mean?
So today we will find out...so here I am waiting...again and hoping that my numbers increase...that I am one of the 15% of women whose numbers don't double every 48 hours...hoping that everything will be o-kay...hoping that grief and despair are not in our future for the third time in twelve months.
The fear is palpable. I truly do not know how I will cope with yet another disappointment. The very idea of it makes me regret opening ourselves up to it yet again. The logical part of me know what we will be okay. We have no choice but to be okay. But I think it would be easier if they had told me 4 days ago that it didn't work instead of suffering yet another miscarriage. I feel ill. I feel nervous, anxious, sad, regretful, fearful, confused, bitter all at this very moment.
Why won't my damn phone ring? Did I give them the wrong number? Are they consulting over my results and that's why they haven't called? There has to be a reason.
I must sound totally crazy right now...and the truth is, I feel a little crazy. I cannot fathom the idea of them calling with good news. But maybe, just maybe they will. But, maybe not. And because that is very much a possiblity, I will prepare myself as best I can for the worst.
We were excited, but cautious since we know too well how life can change in an instant. We told a few people...our parents and a couple of people at work and then decided to wait until blood draw #2 to really wrap our heads around it.
Blood draw #2 happened on 3/4/2012 and once again it was news we weren't prepared for. My levels rose to 342 but they were supposed to double, and they didn't. What does that mean? Does it mean another miscarriage? Does it mean something is wrong? Does it mean that we're okay...after all they did raise? What does it mean?
So today we will find out...so here I am waiting...again and hoping that my numbers increase...that I am one of the 15% of women whose numbers don't double every 48 hours...hoping that everything will be o-kay...hoping that grief and despair are not in our future for the third time in twelve months.
The fear is palpable. I truly do not know how I will cope with yet another disappointment. The very idea of it makes me regret opening ourselves up to it yet again. The logical part of me know what we will be okay. We have no choice but to be okay. But I think it would be easier if they had told me 4 days ago that it didn't work instead of suffering yet another miscarriage. I feel ill. I feel nervous, anxious, sad, regretful, fearful, confused, bitter all at this very moment.
Why won't my damn phone ring? Did I give them the wrong number? Are they consulting over my results and that's why they haven't called? There has to be a reason.
I must sound totally crazy right now...and the truth is, I feel a little crazy. I cannot fathom the idea of them calling with good news. But maybe, just maybe they will. But, maybe not. And because that is very much a possiblity, I will prepare myself as best I can for the worst.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
T Minus 24 hours
Tomorrow is the day...it's the day the 2WW comes to an end...the day when we find out if our family is expanding...the day we could be filled with joy or devastated for the third time in 12 months. Tomorrow is the day I am waiting for and dreading all at the same time.
I felt really prepared until last night. I felt calm, cool, and collected, like I would be okay no matter what the outcome and then last night it all came crashing down around me. I know deep down that I will be okay no matter what the outcome but it doesn't mean that I won't be temporarily devastated if it doesn't work...again. I struggle more and more with how this can be part of some larger plan for us. How can this be part of God's plan? How can God's plan offer children to people who can't care for them and don't want to care for them? That is what I don't understand...and I am not sure I ever will.
I feel vulnerable...and when I was trying to explain how I felt to John last night I was at a loss for words. Tomorrow will be like ripping open March 24, 2011, September 23, 2011 and December 1, 2011. Those wounds that I think have healed but probably haven't could be opened up tomorrow and we may face yet another disappointment.
And worse yet...we will have to face the fact that we have one more shot...and then we're done. We have to be...this can't be my life forever. It just can't be.
I felt really prepared until last night. I felt calm, cool, and collected, like I would be okay no matter what the outcome and then last night it all came crashing down around me. I know deep down that I will be okay no matter what the outcome but it doesn't mean that I won't be temporarily devastated if it doesn't work...again. I struggle more and more with how this can be part of some larger plan for us. How can this be part of God's plan? How can God's plan offer children to people who can't care for them and don't want to care for them? That is what I don't understand...and I am not sure I ever will.
I feel vulnerable...and when I was trying to explain how I felt to John last night I was at a loss for words. Tomorrow will be like ripping open March 24, 2011, September 23, 2011 and December 1, 2011. Those wounds that I think have healed but probably haven't could be opened up tomorrow and we may face yet another disappointment.
And worse yet...we will have to face the fact that we have one more shot...and then we're done. We have to be...this can't be my life forever. It just can't be.
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