Three years ago right now I was in the throes of IVF round #1. Our attitudes toward the process were full of excitement because we knew no different. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.
Fast forward to today and we are starting IVF round #3. Obviously that means that round #2 didn't work and true to form it was nothing short of dramatic. You see, the last time I blogged, I was waiting for the call that would tell me if we were going to expand our family or not. At 12:38pm on that day, the call came and on the phone were two of our favorite nurses...Jessica and Marie....who were both overflowing with excitement for us. Our numbers had come back and were off the chart...a whopping 836. Please keep in mind that with Maggie my first HCG levels came back at 22, so 836 was mindblowing. They told us on the phone that they were very sure it was twins and that possibly one embryo had even split. While Marie and Jess were celebrating, I was dying inside. I flashbacked to March 2011 when after the first HCG my numbers came back high, we had the same celebration, and then I miscarried. I refused to let myself feel that way again, so I remained cautious.
As always, I was instructed to make the drive to that non-descript building in New Haven two days later for more bloodwork. Once December 1 I followed my instructions, worrying of course that the numbers might double which would only solidify the idea of multiples or worse yet the number might decrease which would mean another miscarriage.
Never in a million years could I have prepared myself for what happened next.
A little after 1pm that afternoon a nurse called...I think her name was Linda. As soon as I heard her voice I knew something was not right. She asked if I could come back in that afternoon for some follow up bloodwork because they thought that the machine had not been calibrated accurately. I asked if my number had dropped. She said yes. I asked what it dropped to. Reluctantly she told me zero. Having been through a miscarriage I knew that you don't go from pregnant at 836 to 0 in 48 hours. Something was wrong.
I raced to New Haven and when I walked in, you could cut the tension in the office with a knife. I saw Joanie...a wonderful young nurse who admitted to me that noone else wanted to have to face me. I asked what that meant. She told me that they think there could have been a mistake on their part. At the end of all of it, there was. Two hours after blood draw #2 the nurse manager called to tell me that I was not, in fact, pregnant at all and never was.
We were devastated, angry, confused, disappointed, etc...
For three years I had trusted this facility and on one of the most basic procedures they made a major mistake that left us emotionally raw. Once again we were grieving. Not at the loss of the pregnancy, but at the let down of a "friend" which was how we viewed the clinic.
We scheduled a follow up with Dr. Seli for the next day and he acknowledged that a mistake had been made and my blood had been swapped with another woman's blood and she was in fact pregnant and I was not. He shared with us that this had never happened...although I don't know if that made me feel better or worse. We talked about what kinds of changes could be implemented to prevent this from happening again. We talked about our options. We talked about whether or not we would want to find another clinic because the relationship had been so damaged. We talked and talked and talked and I sobbed the entire time.
We agreed that we would get through the holidays before making any decisions and take some time to recover and enjoy Maggie. And that is exactly what we did.
And so, it is now a new year and we are so very thankful to have put 2011 behind us. And three years after our first (and only) successful round of IVF we are back for round #3.
Stay tuned...say prayers...wish us luck...and believe.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
This time is different...
This time feels so much different. As I type this entry I sit waiting anxiously for the phone to ring. The call that I am expecting is one that will tell me whether or not IVF/FET round #2 was a successful one. You see, we have kept secret the fact that we entered this process for a second time. And today is the day that I sit and wait for the call that will tell me if I am or am not pregnant.
As I wait for the phone to ring I feel an enormous sense of anxiety because after all, we know what could happen. We know that we could find out today that we are pregnant and find out in a few days that I have had another miscarriage. But, those are the risks that we were willing to take when we decided to try again. In March as I waited for the call, I felt nothing but excitement about the prospect of becoming parents again. Today, I am scared to death...mostly because I don't know how I will be able to contain the grief should it not work out.
I have also found myself much more bitter this time around. I am enormously angry at people even my own friends and family members who are parents to children who aren't wanted or loved. It makes our own circumstances that much more infuriating. I try to move through that anger but feel stuck in it.
Thinking about the fear, anxiety, anger, uncertainty, and what-ifs make it almost regrettable that we have opened ourselves up like this once again. But, then I try to remind myself of the possiblity of an expanded Kennedy family and that glimmer of hope makes the difference.
And so I wait...
As I wait for the phone to ring I feel an enormous sense of anxiety because after all, we know what could happen. We know that we could find out today that we are pregnant and find out in a few days that I have had another miscarriage. But, those are the risks that we were willing to take when we decided to try again. In March as I waited for the call, I felt nothing but excitement about the prospect of becoming parents again. Today, I am scared to death...mostly because I don't know how I will be able to contain the grief should it not work out.
I have also found myself much more bitter this time around. I am enormously angry at people even my own friends and family members who are parents to children who aren't wanted or loved. It makes our own circumstances that much more infuriating. I try to move through that anger but feel stuck in it.
Thinking about the fear, anxiety, anger, uncertainty, and what-ifs make it almost regrettable that we have opened ourselves up like this once again. But, then I try to remind myself of the possiblity of an expanded Kennedy family and that glimmer of hope makes the difference.
And so I wait...
Monday, November 14, 2011
November 27
November 27, 2011 is fast approaching and with it I feel this enormous sense of dread, anxiety and profound sadness. I was sure in March when we got the results of our pregnancy test that we would be spending Thanksgiving in CT and celebrating the arrival of a new Kennedy baby/babies. But nearly 8 months later we are making plans to go home and celebrate the holiday with our families. And while I am excited at the prospect of visiting home and seeing family, I dread the idea of being surrounded by new bundles of joy...I am simply not sure I will be able to keep it together.
Last week four people I know had babies. In the next few months a dozen more are due. And while I am happy for these people I can't help but be sad at our own circumstances and November 27 will surely prove to be a difficult day.
Throughout the past few months I remind myself of the blessings we do have, the amazing little girl who is my daughter...but there are darker days when I am just plain angry that our path to parenthood hasn't been an easy one.
Throughout the course of 2011, the number 11 has been symbolic in many ways...the transfer was on the 11th of March, the preganancy test was 11 days later, my due date was the 11th month of the 11th year...and so on...
And so, as we approach the end of this year, I am looking forward to putting 11 behind us and seeing what 2012 has in store! Who knows maybe 12 will bring some luck and blessings to the Kennedy family!
Last week four people I know had babies. In the next few months a dozen more are due. And while I am happy for these people I can't help but be sad at our own circumstances and November 27 will surely prove to be a difficult day.
Throughout the past few months I remind myself of the blessings we do have, the amazing little girl who is my daughter...but there are darker days when I am just plain angry that our path to parenthood hasn't been an easy one.
Throughout the course of 2011, the number 11 has been symbolic in many ways...the transfer was on the 11th of March, the preganancy test was 11 days later, my due date was the 11th month of the 11th year...and so on...
And so, as we approach the end of this year, I am looking forward to putting 11 behind us and seeing what 2012 has in store! Who knows maybe 12 will bring some luck and blessings to the Kennedy family!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Margaret's Mama: 'A Perfect Family'
Margaret's Mama: 'A Perfect Family': "I came across an article on Newzjunky tonight that has left me wondering about the definition of 'a perfect family'. The article was about ..."
'A Perfect Family'
I came across an article on Newzjunky tonight that has left me wondering about the definition of 'a perfect family'. The article was about a family from Kentucky who went through gender selection IVF in order to form their perfect family of 2 boys and 2 girls. My immediate thought was, why the hell would she put herself through that. This was followed by what doctor in the world thinks this is an acceptable form of treatment. Finally I thought about the one daughter she does have and wondered what her daughter will think about her mother's extreme attempt at building what she defines as 'a perfect family'.
While every person's definition of a perfect family is certainly different, I can only comment on my own. My definition of a perfect family is much more than the number of children I have or their gender. It's more than what we look like in photos. My definition changes by the day. There are days when I dream of more children and siblings for MMK. There are days when my perfect family looks exactly the way it is right now...with John and Maggie sleeping peacefully upstairs. At Thanksgiving my definition encompasses all of the Brown's. So, while I try not to judge the decision of a perfect stranger in Kentucky who defines her perfect family as two boys and two girls, I have to believe that a perfect family is what you make of what you're given. We've been given Maggie and for us that is pefection!
While every person's definition of a perfect family is certainly different, I can only comment on my own. My definition of a perfect family is much more than the number of children I have or their gender. It's more than what we look like in photos. My definition changes by the day. There are days when I dream of more children and siblings for MMK. There are days when my perfect family looks exactly the way it is right now...with John and Maggie sleeping peacefully upstairs. At Thanksgiving my definition encompasses all of the Brown's. So, while I try not to judge the decision of a perfect stranger in Kentucky who defines her perfect family as two boys and two girls, I have to believe that a perfect family is what you make of what you're given. We've been given Maggie and for us that is pefection!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
I don't want her to ever feel like she wasn't enough...
Well, nearly three months have passed since my last entry. Some wounds have healed, some questions have been answered, and life plans have changed. Since March 30 as a family we have come to grips with the reality that we may never be more than a family of three...that is if you don't count our four legged daughter. In the early days after my miscarriage there was the urgent sense of we need to decide what to do. Do we try again? Do we try on our own? Do we do IVF? Can we do IVF? What are the risks? Do we want to start all over again? Do we want to move on? There were zillions of questions and at the end of it all we have come to terms with we need to do what feels right for us.
We had a consultation in early April with Dr. Seli to discuss what had happened even though we knew there were no real answers. For that matter we would never even know just how many we had for just a few brief days. Speculation says three babies were on their way to us, so the mindset that I have is that three was more than we could handle and that is why we lost them. In my mind it's the only way I can make sense of it. During our consultation with Dr. Seli I sobbed and sobbed. He was definitely taken by surprise by this, after all, I was only 5 weeks along. But through the tears I tried to explain to him that because these embryos had been a part of our life since January 2009 the loss felt so much deeper. We had endless conversations about them as we drove past the non-descript building on our way to Ikea. We talked about names. We talked to Maggie about them. And, perhaps that was the wrong approach, but that was our approach. And because we had one successful pregnancy it never in a million years entered my mind that the next one wouldn't have the same result.
During our consultation we asked lots of questions...how soon could we do IVF again if we chose to? Could the cyst that almost cost us Maggie return? Could I have another miscarriage? What were our options if we didn't want to do IVF? What were our options if we didn't want to freeze any embryos? and on and on and on...
There were no real answers only a feeling inside that I didn't want to have my life consumed by doctors' appointments, fertility medications, crazy expensive health insurance, wonder, doubt, and fear. We said when we started the process in 2008 that all we wanted was one health baby...and we had that. So, before we were even out of the building, I looked at John and said...I'm done. I don't want to do it again.
I remember feeling like he was going to be disappointed but at the end of the day he has supported me and has accepted that we may only ever be a family of three. Since that time there have been a handful of occasions where I have felt like maybe I want to try again, but more often than not I feel like my life is complete.
Throughout the course of our second round and then subsequent miscarriage I talked with my mom almost every day. And in every conversation I tried to figure out what was right and would try to reason with the unreasonable. And in the course of one of those conversations I said to my mom..."I don't want Maggie to feel like she wasn't enough." And since then that has been my guiding light...and so I have made peace with our fate. There are nights when I am sad...tonight is one of them...but we are so blessed to have the little girl that we have and I couldn't be happier to be Margaret's Mama.
We had a consultation in early April with Dr. Seli to discuss what had happened even though we knew there were no real answers. For that matter we would never even know just how many we had for just a few brief days. Speculation says three babies were on their way to us, so the mindset that I have is that three was more than we could handle and that is why we lost them. In my mind it's the only way I can make sense of it. During our consultation with Dr. Seli I sobbed and sobbed. He was definitely taken by surprise by this, after all, I was only 5 weeks along. But through the tears I tried to explain to him that because these embryos had been a part of our life since January 2009 the loss felt so much deeper. We had endless conversations about them as we drove past the non-descript building on our way to Ikea. We talked about names. We talked to Maggie about them. And, perhaps that was the wrong approach, but that was our approach. And because we had one successful pregnancy it never in a million years entered my mind that the next one wouldn't have the same result.
During our consultation we asked lots of questions...how soon could we do IVF again if we chose to? Could the cyst that almost cost us Maggie return? Could I have another miscarriage? What were our options if we didn't want to do IVF? What were our options if we didn't want to freeze any embryos? and on and on and on...
There were no real answers only a feeling inside that I didn't want to have my life consumed by doctors' appointments, fertility medications, crazy expensive health insurance, wonder, doubt, and fear. We said when we started the process in 2008 that all we wanted was one health baby...and we had that. So, before we were even out of the building, I looked at John and said...I'm done. I don't want to do it again.
I remember feeling like he was going to be disappointed but at the end of the day he has supported me and has accepted that we may only ever be a family of three. Since that time there have been a handful of occasions where I have felt like maybe I want to try again, but more often than not I feel like my life is complete.
Throughout the course of our second round and then subsequent miscarriage I talked with my mom almost every day. And in every conversation I tried to figure out what was right and would try to reason with the unreasonable. And in the course of one of those conversations I said to my mom..."I don't want Maggie to feel like she wasn't enough." And since then that has been my guiding light...and so I have made peace with our fate. There are nights when I am sad...tonight is one of them...but we are so blessed to have the little girl that we have and I couldn't be happier to be Margaret's Mama.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Where do we go from here...
So, it's been a while since I last posted but the Kennedy family has been a little busy and life got in the way of my blog. And while up to this point this blog has tracked our journey from start to finish, I have no choice tonight but to time travel to present day.
About six months ago, John and I made the decision to start the process once again and take our chances with the three embryos that we had left from Maggie's cycle in the hopes of offering her a sibling. We knew that the process would take some time. I am approaching my mid-30's and "our plan"...really "John's plan" has always been to have the kids out of the house by the time we are 55...so his clock was also ticking. We went through all of the necessary steps to make this happen. Open enrollment season arrived and we swallowed our pride and changed our insurance so that we would have the coverage we needed which does not come cheaply, I might add. We scheduled an appointment with Dr. Seli. We gave our wonderful daycare provider a heads up. We began taking stock of our finances and figuring out how we could make it work with another member of the family. We talked about whether we would need to cave and buy a minivan or better yet, a new house. We looked at 2 baby strollers. We did it all...we had made the decision and we were moving forward.
After our first consultation with Dr. Seli on November 1, 2010 he advised that we wait a few more months until Maggie turned 18 months old. I had a c-section with her and he wanted to offer more time for my body to recover from that. There were a couple of tests (no shock there) that I would have to go through before we could start the process and once I was in the clear there we could start the shots, pills, etc... in order to prepare my body for the frozen embryo transfer.
We counted days. We predicted due dates. We planned our summer around the prospect of a pregnancy and our excitement built and built and built. And finally we received word that my body was ready and March 11, 2011 was the day...the transfer day.
We went to the clinic that morning knowing what to expect more or less. After all, this was not our first rodeo. We went into the procedure room and suddenly we were presented with the most amazing picture. It was of the three Kennedy babies (from under a microscope of course). And they didn't look like much more than a bundle of cells, but they were our cells, and for two years we had loved them like they were already our children.
The embryologist, fellow, nurse, and Dr. Seli all commented on how remarkable these embryos were and how our chances for twins were extremely high given their quality...and so we began to prepare even more for the prospect of multiples. Obviously we knew it was a chance...after all we were transferring three but we had always thought that was a long shot...but it didn't seem like such a long shot anymore.
The transfer was relatively uneventful with the exception of the remarkable picture and afterwards I went home and rested for the weekend. And the waiting began.
Fortunately, because the three embryos were 5 day blastocysts my waiting period was only 11 days instead of the full 14 that I had experienced the first time around.
I filled those 11 days with as much as I could in the hopes that they would fly by and we would get the news we had waited so long for. And finally, those 11 days came to a close and once again I drove to the clinic...this time with Maggie in tow for my 7:30am blood work that would tell me if we were going to have a baby or babies! And then there was more waiting.
As I begin to write this, my fingers are suddenly freezing up. I am not sure they know how to tell they next part of our story. Perhaps it's still too fresh. Perhaps I still don't understand it myself. But I will march on and share it as best I can.
On March 22, 2011 at 12:02pm, while I was having lunch with my very good friend/work husband the call came....we were expecting! My HCG levels had come back at a whopping 271 (an indication of multiples) and we could celebrate...and we did.
I immediately called John at work. We told our bosses. We told our parents and siblings. I told a few people at work and a few close friends. The clinic scheduled us to return for more bloodwork on the 24th and every other day after that and once my levels reached 2500 they would do an ultrasound to determine how many Kennedy babies were joining the world.
We talked about how we would announce it to the world and decided a big sister t-shirt for Maggie would be the approriate method and ordered it right away from cafe press.We were moving forward full steam ahead...all we needed to know was whether we would be a family of 4, 5 or 6!
On Thursday, March 24, I returned to the clinic for my bloodwork and mentally prepared myself for them to call with some astronomical number that was further evidence of multiples. I won't sugarcoat it, I was already feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of more than one baby, but I knew that we could handle it...somehow. That afternoon at about 2:00pm while I was standing in the athletic center setting up for a major event, the call came. My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, what was it...what could the number be??? Immediately when I heard the nurse's voice I knew something was wrong. My levels had dropped from 271 to 185...this was not a good sign. I was devastated...paralyzed with fear, sadness, and disappointment. Something was wrong. The nurse reassured me that perhaps there had been more than one baby and that I had lost one but there was no reason to believe that the pregnancy had ended. I had to go back in two more days.
I went back on Saturday...waited all day for the call...the call came. The number had dropped again. I was down to 88. They scheduled me for another follow up on Monday.
Monday came...I waited all day...the call came. The number was down to 22. There was nothing left and I had had a miscarriage. The three Kennedy babies that were conceived in January 2009 were gone.
And so we grieve and ask ourselves, where do we go from here?
About six months ago, John and I made the decision to start the process once again and take our chances with the three embryos that we had left from Maggie's cycle in the hopes of offering her a sibling. We knew that the process would take some time. I am approaching my mid-30's and "our plan"...really "John's plan" has always been to have the kids out of the house by the time we are 55...so his clock was also ticking. We went through all of the necessary steps to make this happen. Open enrollment season arrived and we swallowed our pride and changed our insurance so that we would have the coverage we needed which does not come cheaply, I might add. We scheduled an appointment with Dr. Seli. We gave our wonderful daycare provider a heads up. We began taking stock of our finances and figuring out how we could make it work with another member of the family. We talked about whether we would need to cave and buy a minivan or better yet, a new house. We looked at 2 baby strollers. We did it all...we had made the decision and we were moving forward.
After our first consultation with Dr. Seli on November 1, 2010 he advised that we wait a few more months until Maggie turned 18 months old. I had a c-section with her and he wanted to offer more time for my body to recover from that. There were a couple of tests (no shock there) that I would have to go through before we could start the process and once I was in the clear there we could start the shots, pills, etc... in order to prepare my body for the frozen embryo transfer.
We counted days. We predicted due dates. We planned our summer around the prospect of a pregnancy and our excitement built and built and built. And finally we received word that my body was ready and March 11, 2011 was the day...the transfer day.
We went to the clinic that morning knowing what to expect more or less. After all, this was not our first rodeo. We went into the procedure room and suddenly we were presented with the most amazing picture. It was of the three Kennedy babies (from under a microscope of course). And they didn't look like much more than a bundle of cells, but they were our cells, and for two years we had loved them like they were already our children.
The embryologist, fellow, nurse, and Dr. Seli all commented on how remarkable these embryos were and how our chances for twins were extremely high given their quality...and so we began to prepare even more for the prospect of multiples. Obviously we knew it was a chance...after all we were transferring three but we had always thought that was a long shot...but it didn't seem like such a long shot anymore.
The transfer was relatively uneventful with the exception of the remarkable picture and afterwards I went home and rested for the weekend. And the waiting began.
Fortunately, because the three embryos were 5 day blastocysts my waiting period was only 11 days instead of the full 14 that I had experienced the first time around.
I filled those 11 days with as much as I could in the hopes that they would fly by and we would get the news we had waited so long for. And finally, those 11 days came to a close and once again I drove to the clinic...this time with Maggie in tow for my 7:30am blood work that would tell me if we were going to have a baby or babies! And then there was more waiting.
As I begin to write this, my fingers are suddenly freezing up. I am not sure they know how to tell they next part of our story. Perhaps it's still too fresh. Perhaps I still don't understand it myself. But I will march on and share it as best I can.
On March 22, 2011 at 12:02pm, while I was having lunch with my very good friend/work husband the call came....we were expecting! My HCG levels had come back at a whopping 271 (an indication of multiples) and we could celebrate...and we did.
I immediately called John at work. We told our bosses. We told our parents and siblings. I told a few people at work and a few close friends. The clinic scheduled us to return for more bloodwork on the 24th and every other day after that and once my levels reached 2500 they would do an ultrasound to determine how many Kennedy babies were joining the world.
We talked about how we would announce it to the world and decided a big sister t-shirt for Maggie would be the approriate method and ordered it right away from cafe press.We were moving forward full steam ahead...all we needed to know was whether we would be a family of 4, 5 or 6!
On Thursday, March 24, I returned to the clinic for my bloodwork and mentally prepared myself for them to call with some astronomical number that was further evidence of multiples. I won't sugarcoat it, I was already feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of more than one baby, but I knew that we could handle it...somehow. That afternoon at about 2:00pm while I was standing in the athletic center setting up for a major event, the call came. My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, what was it...what could the number be??? Immediately when I heard the nurse's voice I knew something was wrong. My levels had dropped from 271 to 185...this was not a good sign. I was devastated...paralyzed with fear, sadness, and disappointment. Something was wrong. The nurse reassured me that perhaps there had been more than one baby and that I had lost one but there was no reason to believe that the pregnancy had ended. I had to go back in two more days.
I went back on Saturday...waited all day for the call...the call came. The number had dropped again. I was down to 88. They scheduled me for another follow up on Monday.
Monday came...I waited all day...the call came. The number was down to 22. There was nothing left and I had had a miscarriage. The three Kennedy babies that were conceived in January 2009 were gone.
And so we grieve and ask ourselves, where do we go from here?
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