Nearly four months have gone by since my last post and there are many updates to share.  I feel guilty that I post most frequently when we are challenged with disappointment.  Fortunately, this time I have blessings to report.

We weren't dealt a crappy card in March as it had seemed.  In fact after four blood draws, my HCG levels finally did what they were supposed to do and shot through the roof!  We were pregnant!  After a full year (almost to the day) of trying for Baby #2 we were finally successful.  There was a baby to be had and we were counting our blessings.  I have to admit though, at nearly 23 weeks pregnant, I am still holding my breath.  At this point we have had nearly a dozen ultrasounds, the first tri-mester screening, the integrated risk assessment, and the anatomy scan, all looks perfectly on course for us and Baby Boy Kennedy....or Baby G as I like to call him.  That's right, it's a boy, and the G is the first initial of his first name (at least this month it is)!  I like to say that I knew it immediately and never wavered on the sex but John needed confirmation from not one, but two doctors before he believed it.

We are on course for a November 2 scheduled c-section with Dr. Lima (I hope).  Baby G is an active little man and has made certain that this pregnancy is no walk in the park...but I refuse to complain at the risk of sounding ungrateful.  Generally I feel good...and that's all you really need to know.

Miss Maggie is thrilled to death at the prospect of being a "big, huge, sister".  She rubs my belly, talks to him, hugs him, etc...I can only hope that when he finally arrives that she is just as excited.

Until then...I will try to do better at keeping you updated.  Thanks for reading...

Maggie's Mama and now Baby G's too!

Can't sleep

It's 3:03am and I am going on two hours of being wide awake trying to wrap my head around what has become of our life.  I have searched the internet for two hours now looking for answers and have found none.  My best guess is that I have an ectopic pregnancy.  My worst guess is that there is no answer.

The call came around 2:30pm...my numbers had increased, but just barely...more bloodwork in three days and then we'll know more, I think...perhaps not.  I found with my miscarriage in March 2011 that the blood draws every few days were torturous.  If the doctors know that this is not a viable pregnancy, why must I be subjected to that reminder every few days.  Just let it be.  Just let me be.

With each unsuccessful round I find myself more and more angry and this time in particular I find myself wondering how this can possibly be part of God's plan for us.  Haven't we been through enough?  How can God's plan provide children to those who can't care for them, who abuse them, who don't love them, who don't treasure them? It makes me feel like I am not doing something right with Maggie.  Like maybe God's watching over us and doesn't like what He sees.

I feel inadequate, defective, faulty...I feel beaten, changed, and defeated...but mostly I am just plain sad at the idea that when John and I are gone, Maggie will be all alone...and that thought is more than I can bear.  And even worse is the idea that something could happen to her and then we will be alone. 

I don't know where to go from here.  John says he's done.  He's tired of planning our lives around doctor's visits and injections.  I'm tired of the endless waiting for more disappointing news.  I know that the last year has taken a toll on our relationship with each other, with our family and with our friends.  That also makes me sad.  I feel like a patient...a pin cushion...a research project.  I don't know what our life would be like to just live it as a family of three.  Maybe we should try it...maybe we'll like it.

In the meantime, we wait...

More waiting...

Well, at 12:32pm on 3/2/2012 the call came from Dr. Seli's office...it was Marie on the phone...one of our faves and her news was good.  I was pregnant and my hcg level came in at a whopping 227. 

We were excited, but cautious since we know too well how life can change in an instant.  We told a few people...our parents and a couple of people at work and then decided to wait until blood draw #2 to really wrap our heads around it. 

Blood draw #2 happened on 3/4/2012 and once again it was news we weren't prepared for.  My levels rose to 342 but they were supposed to double, and they didn't.  What does that mean?  Does it mean another miscarriage?  Does it mean something is wrong?  Does it mean that we're okay...after all they did raise?  What does it mean?

So today we will find out...so here I am waiting...again and hoping that my numbers increase...that I am one of the 15% of women whose numbers don't double every 48 hours...hoping that everything will be o-kay...hoping that grief and despair are not in our future for the third time in twelve months.

The fear is palpable.  I truly do not know how I will cope with yet another disappointment.  The very idea of it makes me regret opening ourselves up to it yet again.  The logical part of me know what we will be okay.  We have no choice but to be okay.  But I think it would be easier if they had told me 4 days ago that it didn't work instead of suffering yet another miscarriage.  I feel ill.  I feel nervous, anxious, sad, regretful, fearful, confused, bitter all at this very moment.

Why won't my damn phone ring?  Did I give them the wrong number?  Are they consulting over my results and that's why they haven't called?  There has to be a reason.

I must sound totally crazy right now...and the truth is, I feel a little crazy.  I cannot fathom the idea of them calling with good news.  But maybe, just maybe they will.  But, maybe not.  And because that is very much a possiblity, I will prepare myself as best I can for the worst.

T Minus 24 hours

Tomorrow is the day...it's the day the 2WW comes to an end...the day when we find out if our family is expanding...the day we could be filled with joy or devastated for the third time in 12 months.  Tomorrow is the day I am waiting for and dreading all at the same time.

I felt really prepared until last night.  I felt calm, cool, and collected, like I would be okay no matter what the outcome and then last night it all came crashing down around me.  I know deep down that I will be okay no matter what the outcome but it doesn't mean that I won't be temporarily devastated if it doesn't work...again.  I struggle more and more with how this can be part of some larger plan for us.  How can this be part of God's plan?  How can God's plan offer children to people who can't care for them and don't want to care for them?  That is what I don't understand...and I am not sure I ever will.

I feel vulnerable...and when I was trying to explain how I felt to John last night I was at a loss for words.  Tomorrow will be like ripping open March 24, 2011, September 23, 2011 and December 1, 2011.  Those wounds that I think have healed but probably haven't could be opened up tomorrow and we may face yet another disappointment.

And worse yet...we will have to face the fact that we have one more shot...and then we're done.  We have to be...this can't be my life forever.  It just can't be.

2WW

And here we are...at the dreaded, never-ending two week wait.  It feels as though March 2 will never come...and when it does the hours between that fateful blood draw and that life changing phone call will surely seem like an eternity.

Each round of IVF has felt very different and this one is no exception.  We're optimistic because what we asked for (a fresh cycle) what what happened.  But we were faced with a decision this time around that was new and foreign to us.  For the first time in three rounds we opted not to freeze any embryos and that has challenged me personally, morally, ethically, spiritually, mentally...well, you get it. 

Yesterday during the transfer there was a lot happening in the room.  There were two doctors, the embryologist and a nurse.  The embryologist is verifying your identity with that of the embryos...you're reciting your name and birthdate...you're trying to maintain some semblance of modesty in front of an audience...you're making life changing decisions like "are we transferring one or two?"  It's like an out of body experience. 

Yesterday as Marquea (one of our faves) was distracting me with questions about Maggie, I overheard Dr. Seli tell the embryologist that we were going to "throw out" the two embryos that weren't being transferred.  I know that's not what he meant.  I know that he's Turkish...and a scientist...and clinical...but that cheapened our decision...and I cried.  I have labored over that decision and have reminded myself that until the embryo makes a home inside of me, it's not really a baby...but knowing that our perfect little girl started out just like the two embryos that we "threw out" was unnerving and just plain sad.

And so we wait...and we wrestle with our decisions.

I agonize over every single thing I do.  Could lifting a laundry basket change the outcome?  Can kneeling over the bathtub change the outcome?  What if I eat more salad?  Take more vitamins?  Drink less soda? Drink more water?  Love Maggie more?  Pray more?  Plead more?  Be more patient?  Be a better mom?  Do a better job at work?  Not buy new clothes that might not fit me in a few months?  Look at fewer pregnancy websites?  Think about it less?  Worry about it less? 

And I know that there's nothing I can do at this point except wait...what's done is done.  And so, for the next 11 days I will hope and trust that's what meant to be will be.  And know that if it's not the outcome we're hoping for we will be o-kay...we have to be o-kay for Maggie...and for each other.

Three years later...

Three years ago right now I was in the throes of IVF round #1.  Our attitudes toward the process were full of excitement because we knew no different.  Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.

Fast forward to today and we are starting IVF round #3.  Obviously that means that round #2 didn't work and true to form it was nothing short of dramatic.  You see, the last time I blogged, I was waiting for the call that would tell me if we were going to expand our family or not.  At 12:38pm on that day, the call came and on the phone were two of our favorite nurses...Jessica and Marie....who were both overflowing with excitement for us.  Our numbers had come back and were off the chart...a whopping 836.  Please keep in mind that with Maggie my first HCG levels came back at 22, so 836 was mindblowing.  They told us on the phone that they were very sure it was twins and that possibly one embryo had even split.  While Marie and Jess were celebrating, I was dying inside.  I flashbacked to March 2011 when after the first HCG my numbers came back high, we had the same celebration, and then I miscarried.  I refused to let myself feel that way again, so I remained cautious.

As always, I was instructed to make the drive to that non-descript building in New Haven two days later for more bloodwork.  Once December 1 I followed my instructions, worrying of course that the numbers might double which would only solidify the idea of multiples or worse yet the number might decrease which would mean another miscarriage.

Never in a million years could I have prepared myself for what happened next.

A little after 1pm that afternoon a nurse called...I think her name was Linda.  As soon as I heard her voice I knew something was not right.  She asked if I could come back in that afternoon for some follow up bloodwork because they thought that the machine had not been calibrated accurately.  I asked if my number had dropped.  She said yes.  I asked what it dropped to.  Reluctantly she told me zero.  Having been through a miscarriage I knew that you don't go from pregnant at 836 to 0 in 48 hours.  Something was wrong.

I raced to New Haven and when I walked in, you could cut the tension in the office with a knife.  I saw Joanie...a wonderful young nurse who admitted to me that noone else wanted to have to face me.  I asked what that meant.  She told me that they think there could have been a mistake on their part.  At the end of all of it, there was.  Two hours after blood draw #2 the nurse manager called to tell me that I was not, in fact, pregnant at all and never was. 

We were devastated, angry, confused, disappointed, etc...

For three years I had trusted this facility and on one of the most basic procedures they made a major mistake that left us emotionally raw.  Once again we were grieving.  Not at the loss of the pregnancy, but at the let down of a "friend" which was how we viewed the clinic.

We scheduled a follow up with Dr. Seli for the next day and he acknowledged that a mistake had been made and my blood had been swapped with another woman's blood and she was in fact pregnant and I was not.  He shared with us that this had never happened...although I don't know if that made me feel better or worse.  We talked about what kinds of changes could be implemented to prevent this from happening again.  We talked about our options.  We talked about whether or not we would want to find another clinic because the relationship had been so damaged.  We talked and talked and talked and I sobbed the entire time.

We agreed that we would get through the holidays before making any decisions and take some time to recover and enjoy Maggie.  And that is exactly what we did.

And so, it is now a new year and we are so very thankful to have put 2011 behind us.  And three years after our first (and only) successful round of IVF we are back for round #3. 

Stay tuned...say prayers...wish us luck...and believe.

This time is different...

This time feels so much different.  As I type this entry I sit waiting anxiously for the phone to ring.  The call that I am expecting is one that will tell me whether or not IVF/FET round #2 was a successful one.  You see, we have kept secret the fact that we entered this process for a second time.  And today is the day that I sit and wait for the call that will tell me if I am or am not pregnant.

As I wait for the phone to ring I feel an enormous sense of anxiety because after all, we know what could happen.  We know that we could find out today that we are pregnant and find out in a few days that I have had another miscarriage.  But, those are the risks that we were willing to take when we decided to try again.  In March as I waited for the call, I felt nothing but excitement about the prospect of becoming parents again.  Today, I am scared to death...mostly because I don't know how I will be able to contain the grief should it not work out.

I have also found myself much more bitter this time around.  I am enormously angry at people even my own friends and family members who are parents to children who aren't wanted or loved.  It makes our own circumstances that much more infuriating. I try to move through that anger but feel stuck in it. 

Thinking about the fear, anxiety, anger, uncertainty, and what-ifs make it almost regrettable that we have opened ourselves up like this once again.  But, then I try to remind myself of the possiblity of an expanded Kennedy family and that glimmer of hope makes the difference.

And so I wait...